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Date archive for: March 2008

Criminal Minds Is Better Than the Rest

Last night I was watching mah stories, and I saw the most enjoyable episode of Criminal Minds, the best crime detective show on television.

Criminal Minds is about a team of behavioral psychologists that track down sociopaths.

So, in _usual_ detective shows, the detectives ask a storekeeper, “Have you seen this man? He was 5’10” and had curly hair.” The storekeeper then says, “No! NEVER SEEN HIM BEFORE!” and then looks away nervously. And the detectives, armed with high problem-solving acumen, know something is up, but they can’t put their finger on it.

“He knows more than he’s letting on – I have a feeling” one detective will say to the other. The other detective, with much lower acumen, will be surprised to hear such a conclusion, and ask, “Really? You really think so? What makes you say that? He just said he has never seen him before.”

And the first detective will say, “Yeah, but something isn’t right.”

And the second detective will shake his head. And then they’ll use forensic evidence and a past criminal record to learn the shopkeeper is the murderer’s father!

Anyway – that’s how a regular crime show goes.

Criminal Minds is not your regular crime show. Since they’re behavioral detectives, they look for different traits. Rather than provide physical descriptions, they’ll give people personality descriptions. So, they’ll ask a storekeeper, “Did you see anyone do something suspicious yesterday here? Buy anything suspicious?”

And the storekeeper will say, “No…no not that I recall…”

And the detectives will then ask, “Did two men come in? One with a stutter perhaps, and another who seemed more confident and in charge – a real presence about him.”

The storekeeper will then say, “WHY YES! As a matter of fact! I remember the stutter -it was the most unfortunate stutter. And the other man in charge was very demanding – a real presence. They bought 28 guns I believe, let me see if I can find the receipt.”

Also, when they’re interviewing people, Criminal Minds detectives are smarter than regular detectives. For example, in last night’s episode, they needed a former victim’s help: “We need your help – you have to tell us what happened so we can find a new killer.”

And the former victim hugged herself, shook nervously, and then said, “NO! Nothing happened! I lied in the report!” and then ran off.

But rather than stand around and discuss whether or not she was telling the truth, one detective said, “Well, she’s lying,” and the other one was basically like, “Obvi. Way to go Einstein.” They don’t really say it in so many words, of course. What the other one really says is, “Yes, her erratic behavior, avoidant eye contact, and body shivers indicate that she was lying.”

Anyway, I appreciate that breakdown. Criminal Minds makes me feel smarter about myself as a television viewer, because it teaches me what to look for when I’m talking to a liar. It helps qualify instincts we all have!

Yeah, I was maybe a little bored today.

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Good Movies

The other day I heard that screenwriters are about to go on strike. I found this to be very shocking because the lack of good movies out recently suggested to me that they were already on strike. That’s right George Clooney, you may be smart and sexy, but you’re not immune to imawkward.com/blog’s scrutiny.

The last movie that made me laugh, cry, and develop a sincere appreciation for unorthodox music was Juno, and that came out in December – over three months ago! Juno had likeable actors, a heartwarming plot, and quick witted dialogue with sass reminiscent of this very blog. 😉 It was a great movie.

After Juno, I saw The Savages. The Savages was about watching a man die. I wanted to kill everyone involved in the movie, most of all, however, the screenwriters who helped make such a film possible. I was also surprised the Big Man Upstairs would allow the public release of such a human disaster.

Sitting around and blogging about how bad movies have been recently isn’t constructive, however. I need to help.

Movies should have plots, or story lines. An hour and a half snapshot into a man’s life akin to Death of a Salesman is no longer innovative and compelling. Been there, seen that, hated it then, don’t like it more now.

Before we watch a movie, I ask, “Does this one have a plot?” and my boyfriend likes to slyly reply, “You’ll see.” Rather than find his answer charming and exciting, I am often annoyed and make note to reply with “You’ll see” to some question he asks down the road.

Example:

Him: Does this meal have cucumbers in it? I’m allergic.

Me: *sly smile* You’ll see.

Additionally, plots should be delightful. I’ve gone ahead and done a quick assessment of popular conflicts that drive plots:

Infidelity – boring.

Unwanted pregnancy – humorous

Spelling – inspiring

Immigration – culturally eye-opening

Sports – whatever

Teenagers and serial killers – disconcerting

Based on my above brainstorm, I think it has just become shockingly clear what the public wants –

A heartwarming tale of an immigrant, spelling-bee finalist who becomes impregnated. After some witty, accent-filled dialogue, and culture related conflict, the mother will decide to keep the baby, even though it could hinder her spelling bee victory. Hugh Grant should make an appearance as a blubbering guidance counselor trying to learn more about the young woman’s culture, as it will give him a chance to step outside his box as a blubbering bachelor and a legitimate shot at an academy award.

There, I’ve done the hard part. Go on screenwriters – prove you’re still working.

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Getting Ready for the Big Game

I have just completed my picks for a 2008 NCAA bracket.

As you may not know, dear blog, I don’t really follow sports, so it would take a considerable amount of arm twisting to get this gal to take an active interest in a professional, physical team activity. It would take only the cleverest of tongues to convince me to participate in a gambling venture related to the movement of a leather ball. “Indoctrinaire extraordinaire” is how I would describe the verbal virtuoso who could talk me into caring about basketball.

Actually, this is how the conversation went:

Indoctrinaire Extraordinaire: Are you entering picks for a bracket? Everyone else is.

Me: Everyone, eh? Absolutely, I am.

Indoctrinaire: I didn’t know you were into basketball.

Me: What? It’s basketball season?

Indoctriniare: Haha, you’re so funny.

Me: Right. I’m such a kidder.

And so it was said, and so it was done – I have joined a NCAA bracket! 

I’m not entirely clear on how the teams are divided up – there’s an East, Midwest, South, and West division, so at first I thought, “I see, Northerner’s do not play basketball. They are too busy…playing hockey?” But then I saw Connecticut and Michigan were on there. However, they’re in the West and South divisions respectively, so my new conclusion is that the people in charge of the NCAA have limited access to maps with compass roses. Or they’re working on a grander scale. So they’re thinking, “Technically Connecticut is West of the United Kingdom, our blessed mother country – God save the Queen.”

Joining this basketball bracket has opened up all sorts of doors I didn’t know existed before. For example, now that I am heavily invested in my teams’s victories, I have social plans to watch these games almost every night! I have added phrases to my daily discourse that would have never been present before, such as, “Well, I can do that, as long as I’m home in time for the game.” It’s important to remain ambiguous about which game – that is key.

I will even be able to throw in sentiment because they’re college teams! I can say things like, “This one is kind of personal for me, because I almost went to that school,” even if I really mean, “I think I saw a booth for that school at a college fair once.”

“I have four facebook friends who went there” will transform into “I know a lot of people who went there, so the game tonight will be intense.”

In other news, blog, the weather has slightly warmed up, so I think I’m going to wear flip flops this evening. If anyone challenges how appropriate flip flops are for today’s temperature, I can say, “Look, I’m not going to be out long anyway, I have to be home in time for the game.”

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Shift

Blog, I haven’t updated in a while, and it’s in large part because I spent the last couple of weeks preparing for the daylight savings shift. To prepare, I set all of my clocks forward by a couple of minutes every day. This way the shift was more gradual for me. So, yesterday, while other people were caught off guard, fatigued for having lost that hour, I was on the ball and ready to go. Tomorrow I will start setting my clocks back gradually. 

Anyway, you may have noticed that this site has been down for nearly a year. It’s sad – but true. There is hope, however, blog. There’s always hope. I’m thinking about adding a section called “Awkward Overheard.” It will be a series of conversations that meet the following two requirements:

-Awkward

-Overheard

So, if you overhear something awkward, please be sure to make note! You might be able to contribute to the section!

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