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Month: April 2010

I Can Hear Clearly Now

In class on Thursday, I was sitting in my seat, minding my own business, when all of the sudden I heard my classmate’s stomach grumble, perhaps in an effort to discretely contact Eyjafjallajokull across the Atlantic.

Actually, it wasn’t a very loud grumble, but I heard it nevertheless, because I was sitting next to her.

I have been in situations where my stomach made embarrassing noises. So I knew what to do. The next time it grumbled, I smiled at her. Then, when it grumbled yet again, I mouthed, “I can hear your stomach,” and pointed to the noise producing area and grinned.

Just kidding of course. I didn’t actually do that. I played it cool.

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Movie Reviews

This week, I saw three movies. This is three more movies than I usually see a week, so I thought I would share my thoughts on each of the movies:

1. Twilight: New Moon

As someone who has always been fascinated by vampires, teen angst, wolves and forests, New Moon was an ideal movie choice for me. I was impressed with the caliber of acting and costume design. I was also impressed with the maturity with which the protagonist, Bella, handled the emotional obstacles she chanced upon throughout the film. Between running into the forest in the middle of the night, staring out a window for four months and riding on motorbikes with strangers, I am torn about which response to her initial break up with Edward was the most appropriate. Now I know what you’re thinking, “Enough with the suspense already! What team are you on: Team Edward or Team Jacob?!” Well initially, I was on Team Edward, however (spoiler alert!) after Jacob got a haircut, I found myself faced with a more challenging decision. The movie ended with ample opportunity for a sequel, presumably a romantic comedy rife with all the shenanigans that accompanies a vampire wedding.

I give New Moon a rating of 6 Orange Trucks.

2. Everybody’s Fine

As someone who has always been fascinated by loneliness, family disappointment and ground transit, Everybody’s Fine was an ideal movie choice for me. I was moved by the plot and realistic portrayal of a loving family dynamic. After sobbing through the entire movie my well of tears was not yet dry, because the next day I recounted the movie story to my mother, and the salty liquid flowed again from my eyes. I was so moved. Robert De Niro did a masterful job as a father who only wanted his children to be happy, and I completely recommend this movie to anyone with access to a box of tissues and a family.

I give Everybody’s Fine a rating of 17 Tissue Boxes.

3. Some Movie About Fantasy Fiction Created by the People Who Made Napoleon Dynamite

As someone who has always been fascinated by quirky characters and Juno-esque title art, Some Movie About Fantasy Fiction Created by the People Who Made Napoleon Dynamite was an ideal movie choice for me. The movie was so awful, however, that I cannot even remember the name, so I have given it one that is likely far more compelling than the actual movie title must have been. I was really taken aback by how incredibly disgusting the movie was because the cast included Sam Rockwell and Jemaine Clement.

While we were watching the movie, David pondered, “What was Sam Rockwell thinking doing this movie?”
“What was Jemaine Clement thinking!?” I responded.
“I know what Jemaine was thinking,” said David knowingly, “He was thinking ‘I get to be in a movie!’ ”

I give that movie 12 Broncos.

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An Awesome Story

Me: So I called David on Wednesday, but he was busy, so we didn’t talk.

Me: So then yesterday he called, but he called during class, and he knows I have class Thursdays.

Me: Then he sent me a text that said, “You alive?”

Me: Anyway after class, I sent him a text that said, “Hey! How was the concert?” because he went to a concert. But he didn’t text back.

My brother: pensive And to think I thought that story wasn’t going anywhere.

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Practice Makes Possible

Every couple of years, I decide to pay an organization, usually charitable, to let me run a long distance and casually explain to people that I have participated in a lengthy run so that they may look at me with admiration. I’ve completed 5k races, a 10 mile run and even a half marathon. These are all a big deal for me, because I hate running with a fiery passion. Nothing incites anger in me more than running around aimlessly. Even in high school, on days when my coach told the entire team it was time to run, I would fume with indignation that I was being asked to run in giant circles. I was fine with chasing a ball for two hours, but running in circles – that was where I drew the line.

Anyway, this year, I signed up for a 10 mile run.

Now, the only thing I hate more than running is practicing running (aka. training). So typically, I do not prepare for these lengthy runs. I craft extensive training plans, sign up for virtual coaches and read about how to run. I also dabble in inspiring quotations.

This year, however, I decided to prepare for the 10 mile run. Normally you are supposed to be able to run up to 8 miles non-stop before going on one of these runs. One day, I ran almost one whole mile without stopping. So, I didn’t quite make it to eight miles, but I did a little bit of training nevertheless.

And guess what! I was really impressed to see that the training actually paid off! Given my recent health, a few days before the race, I decided to run a 5k in lieu of the 10 miler. And so I slowly ran that 5k, and I was pleasantly surprised to find at the end of the race that I was not in egregious pain. In fact, I am pretty sure I went another two miles just trying to find David at the end of the race!

So, I learned a valuable lesson. If you practice running, running becomes easier. I suppose this golden nugget is true of a lot of things. I just forgot.

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Study Suggests I am Key to Species Survival

I am a big fan of studies that suggest my personality traits have an evolutionary advantage. In LiveScience’s, Study Sheds Light on What Makes People Shy, researchers from Stony Brook University (U.S.), Southwest University (China) and Chinese Academy of Sciences (China) reported that “about 20 percent of people are born with a personality trait called sensory perception sensitivity (SPS) that can manifest itself as the tendency to be inhibited, or even neuroticism.”

Moving along: Here’s the evidence that helped me determine I was in fact born with SPS (read: a chosen one):
“Previous work has also shown that compared with others those with a highly sensitive temperament are more bothered by noise and crowds, more affected by caffeine, and more easily startled. That is, the trait seems to confer sensitivity all around. The researchers in the current study propose the simple sensory sensitivity to noise, pain, or caffeine is a side effect of an inborn preference to pay more attention to experiences.”

While I’m not bothered by noise and crowds that much, I have mighty reactions to caffeine and am easily startled by all sorts of sudden movement. Is this interesting to you? Probably not, but read on, I’m about to share what makes my sensitivity so valuable:

“The sensitive type, always a minority, chooses to observe longer before acting, as if doing their exploring with their brains rather than their limbs.”

Okay, so to recap:
1. I am sensitive.
2. I think about things extensively.

Now let’s see what this means:

“The sensitive individual’s strategy is not so advantageous when resources are plentiful or quick, aggressive action is required.” This phrase is not important. The next one matters more: “But it comes in handy when danger is present, opportunities are similar and hard to choose between, or a clever approach is needed.”

Did you see that? When danger is present, and cleverness is necessary, I’m your gal!

I was quite pleased when I read this study, but then I saw the recommended story at the bottom of the page that quickly dampened my excitement:

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Effing Spider

There’s a spider in my car. I saw it for the first time last week, and then I didn’t see it for a few days, so I thought it was dead. Then I saw it again last night on my drive home, running around my windshield like it owned the thing.

After driving like a maniac for two miles on the highway, I pulled over to a gas station. The spider ducked into some hidden spot. I walked into the gas station mart and declared to the clerk, “I have a spider in my car.” The clerk stared back at me, so I continued, “Do you have any material that can make it go away.”

The clerk looked at some oil, and then shook his head. I politely thanked him for his efforts and charged out the door, hoping I would catch the spider peeking out of her hiding spot. She remains elusive. Should I find her, I will escort her out of my car.

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I Should Definitely Have an Intern

As someone who has found internships to be character-shaping experiences, I feel I am fully qualified to mold a young mind into a vigorous worker who is dedicated to the corporate bottom line.

In addition to sharing worldly insights on a daily basis, I would provide a list of tasks for my intern to complete every week. I would be helpful as much as possible with tactful reminders, of course. For example, I would definitely own this mug:

I would also regale my intern with stories of how I came to be as successful as I am today. “One day, intern, you too could be responding to customer support calls. You just have to work really hard. And that hard work starts today, because yesterday, you certainly did not work hard enough. I saw you take a bathroom break.”

Perhaps I would even have my intern write posts for me. “Intern! You were totally awkward today,” I would begin, and then, after a pregnant pause, I would say, “Nice work. Write 300 words about how terrifically awkward you were. Do you know how to draw stick figures? No. Of course not. I was born with that gift. Just give me the 300 words describing your absurd, socially deviant behavior. That will do.”

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April Fools Success

Yes, I’ve done it yet again. This year’s masterful April Fool’s joke got some assistance however. It was inspired by a someecard:

To avoid confusion, I'm waiting until tomorrow to tell you I'm pregnant

However, rather than joke about being pregnant, which would be impossible, I decided to suggest something else. I sent the following email out to friends:
Hey All!

So…David and I have a big announcement, but to avoid any confusion, we won’t share it until tomorrow, April 2.

But. I’m really excited. So, I’ll just say that you should keep an eye on your emails/cell phones tomorrow, and I’ll be needing all of your mailing addresses. Go ahead and send those over as soon as possible please.

Thanks so much.

Love, I’m so full of LOVE!

This email was wildly successful. It got two “Hahas,” three “Nice April Fools joke,” one “Are you engaged?” three “What’s the news?!” and one address, which was not even a correct address.

I got ’em good this year!

However, I was got pretty good this year myself. I’ll go ahead and share that one with you too.

A few weeks ago, I received an e-vite for a wedding celebration for an old friend that happened to be taking place the same day as my graduation, so I responded asking about two things 1) Would it be okay to arrive late, and 2) Where is the couple registered?

Today (so weeks after I had responded and had worried my question about arriving late was rude) I received a response:


I’m so sorry. We sent you that invitation completely by accident. This is really just a friends and family thing.

As far as gifts go, you can get us a Home Depot gift certificate and mail it to 333 Maybery Dr. City, State 021020


First I was horrified about being accidentally invited, then as I was re-reading the email, I saw a follow-up email that explained it was a joke. April Fools WIN!

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