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Month: December 2013

On The Hobbit 2: Desolation of Smaug

You know how all software developers became despondent after seeing The Social Network? They thought, “Why didn’t I build Facebook? I could have been a billionaire.” That’s how I felt after seeing The Hobbit 2. I thought, “Why wasn’t I born an elf? I could have been a skilled archer.”

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On Daily Goals

I’ve noticed that as I’ve gotten older, my goals for the day have become less and less ambitious, but equally challenging. It used to be, “I plan to finish my to-do list by the end of the day and get a head start on tomorrow’s tasks.” Now it’s more like: “I’m going to try to not overeat at dinner tonight.”

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On Choosing a Career

I’m not saying I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I am saying I don’t know how to make money…without working. Because that’s what I want to do with my life. My vision is clear. It’s the execution that is hazy.

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Aspiring Artist

One of the most awkward things to tell people is that I am an aspiring comedian. It always follows with this conversation:

Person: Tell me a joke.
Me: Well, I’m aspiring, so I don’t have many jokes yet.
Person: Tell me one.
Me: (hesitate)
Person: (getting angry) Come on. Tell me one joke.
Me: It’s not very good. (Lower expectations)
Person: Come on!
Me: Okay, here it is (pause, take a deep breath, build anticipation)
Person: (Stares.)
Me: I was at an open mic last week. And I thought, “Wow, that looks very difficult. I bet I can make that look difficult too.”
Person: (Stares. Slowly begins to nod.)
Me: That’s the joke.
Person: I get it. That’s kind of funny.
Me: Thank you. That’s my best joke.

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Signed Sincerely, Me

It has come to my attention that if you want to buy a pair of google glasses, you must submit a paragraph explaining why you want to buy google glasses. I thought this requirement was incredible and have decided to implement a letter writing process to help me earn the privilege of all future purchases.

Purchase Plan: This sweater from JCrew

Ground-breaking sweater
Ground-breaking sweater with buttons

Dear JCrew,
When I was younger (re: last year) I discovered the reformative power of elbow patches. I also like buttons on sweaters. However, up until recently, buttons on sweaters rarely served functional purposes. They were simply shoulder décor. Your innovative design demonstrates that buttons can indeed serve a function when placed on sweaters. This design is going to change the world, and I want – no, I demand – to be at the forefront of this fashion revolution.





Purchase Plan: Prescription Glasses
Dear Optical Retailer,
When I was younger, I was diagnosed with the devastating condition of NATROPS (Not Able to Read Overhead Projector Slides). My world was turned upside down as I was henceforth forced to live a life bound to the whims of a tempestuous polycarbonate companion susceptible to harsh weather conditions, such as fog, rain and sudden changes in temperature as I go from outside to inside (glasses). To make matters worse, I also had astigmatism. I’ve learned to fully accept my condition and the person it has made me, and all I ask is that you do the same. Kindly allow me to purchase these glasses from you. I cannot legally drive without them.

Purchase Plan: Dental check up
Dear Dentist,
Last year I visited you, and it was amicable. I assured you at the end of the visit that I would be back soon for a check-up and would dedicate my evenings to rigorous flossing and brushing exercises. I must confess that although I didn’t know it at the time, these promises were written in sand. This means that I did not keep them. They were blown away by the metaphorical wind, obviously. I’ll probably repeat this exercise with you this year. Engage me in our annual oral song and dance and pencil me in for an appointment.

Purchase Plan: Airplane flight
Dear Travelocity,
Travel is very complicated to begin with: perhaps humans are not meant to be in the air. But humans are bold and daring and presumptuous, so they have figured out flight. This is in no thanks to you, you annoying third-party booking system full of trickery. Moving forward I’m booking directly through the airlines.

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