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Month: January 2017

Writing Reviews

I’m terrible at writing reviews, but does that stop me from writing them? Absolutely not. I Love Writing Reviews.

I select Excellent in anything I experienced, leave the things that didn’t apply to me blank, and then name names for the people who crossed my path and did right by me. These are quick. Everyone gets A marks in my books.

“But what if the place wasn’t awesome?” you might ask.


I give them excellent marks too! That’s why I’m terrible at reviews.

And that’s just some insight into how I operate.

Will I change my ways? No. Do I know what I’m doing is wrong? Eh, not really. Would I believe my own reviews and use them to make decisions? No, absolutely not.

Wait, no, there’s one exception. My movie reviews are pretty spot on.

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I volunteered to be a webmaster for my comedy group. This was absolute folly, because I don’t know anything about running a website (i.e. this here was my finest accomplishment), and, more importantly, it’s extra work.

The person who oversees our comedy group, however, is very kind and persistent, so I made the website. It actually looks so sleek; I can never do better.

Anyway yesterday I received a note that read, “What do you think about a ‘revamp’? I want to challenge us to do better.”






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On Baby Making for Real

I talk a big game, but not talking about baby-making is a New Year resolution that I never planned to keep. In fact, in full disclosure, I didn’t even say what I wrote in that post. Those were David’s words/hopes for us this year.

I’m super interested in baby-making with David. I’ve learned a few things over the past year that I shall impart to you:

  1. When we originally decided it was time to create progeny, I went to see a lady doctor for a check-up and some advice. “Have intercourse every other day, between periods,” was her advice. That was her advice. FOR REAL. “You don’t need to have it every day. That’s too much,” she explained.
    “Whew, yeah, because every day would be really difficult,” I said, as though every other day was really easy for us, a married couple in their 30s.
  2. I started tracking our love-making and keeping notes. I made charts. My charts demonstrated that tracking love-making has an inverse relationship with David’s interest in love-making. See below.
  3. Some motivation approaches are no good. Desperately crying, “Put a baby in me, David!” made him erect precisely 0% percent of the time.
  4. I went to a different lady doctor, because lady doctor number 1 went to volunteer in Africa. This is the second time I’ve had a healthcare provider selfishly abandon me for this reason. Anyway, lady doctor number 2 told me about ovulation strips. These are strips you pee on, and when you are ovulating, they show a little line, and that’s prime time to make love.
    “You mean, we don’t have to have intercourse every other day?” I asked.
    She looked at me like I was crazy. I thought, “This is the lady doctor for me.”
  5. I bought the cheapest ovulation strips I could find. For some reason, the strips I originally bought showed that I was ovulating for six days straight! David was disappointed when he learned that the strips were defective. He wasn’t disappointed that we hadn’t made a baby, to be clear. He was disappointed that I bought cheap strips, which is fair.

The following month, we were ready to go with new strips, but then the election happened, and up is down and the world is a chaotic void that we feel guilty bringing a baby into.


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New Balance Executive Meeting

Setting: New Balance Shoes Headquarters, Board room

President: So, give me an update on our sales. How are we doing?

(everyone looks around uncomfortably)

VP of Public Affairs: Well sir, we are now…officially the shoe brand of white people.

President: White people!? That’s wonderful! Certainly a healthy chunk of the population.

VP of Public Affairs: It’s a chunk of the population, yes.

President: Good point buddy, not all white people are athletic and healthy. But some are!

VP of Public Affairs: Yes, sir, I’m glad you feel that way.

President: What is the plan now? Will other races appropriate white culture and wear New Balance shoes too?

VP of Public Affairs: (perks up)

VP of Marketing: That’s not the direction style goes, ever.

President: What, why not? Aren’t we the preferred shoe brand of all white people?

VP of Marketing: We are the official shoe brand of some white people.

President: That is not what the other guy said.

VP of Marketing: Some white people love us. And some white people set our shoes on fire in small trash bins.

President: For warmth?

VP of Marketing: No. These are small trash bins, sir. I suspect these people have central air for warmth. They have the type of money where they can buy small trash bins for one time shoe-burning use.

VP of Public Affairs: (crawls under desk)

President: (eyes narrow) …which white people love us?

VP of Public Affairs: (whimpers) …the scary ones.

VP of Marketing: To be clear sir, the scary ones are NOT the ones that burn the shoes.

VP of Public Affairs: (whimpers) They’ll kill us all.

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We Are Making Progress After All

Sometimes I lament the lack of overall progress in innovation we have made; for example, when people tell me Snapchat is the greatest invention of our time.

However, today, I was nearing the end of a bag of Utz Sour Cream and Onion potato chips, and I was impressed to find several large potato chips, fully intact. This would have never happened in the 90s.

This Utz chip thinks it’s Pringles:

Chip at bottom of bag. Incredible.
Chip at bottom of bag. NOT broken.


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