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Month: August 2010

An Ode to David

David I love your big, curly hair.
I love how when you’re annoyed, you glare.
You throw your arms up, you say “How can this be?
Why must you always dilly – dally?”

Then you tilt your head to the side and give me a smile,
And you don’t seem to mind I’ve taken a while.
You say, “Okay let’s just go,” as you rush towards the door –
“Wait!” I reply, “Can I have five minutes more?!”

“What are you doing?!” You yell, surprised every time!
I respond, “Putting on make-up, so I look sublime!”
Then you sigh, and say, “Fine, just hurry, we have go.”
David, we’re not all naturally pretty like you, you know.

When we walk out the door, I ask, “Are you really mad?”
And you reply, “No, this isn’t that bad.”
“Plus I knew you were going to be late,
So I told you 7:30, but the reservation’s for 8.”

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More Email Correspondences

I received this note today:

Thank you for your quick response. Please note that all three of you will be required to come to closing to sign the documents so please make sure Laurie can be here as well.

Let me know what Laurie says as soon as possible.

Thank you.

I responded* with this note:

You’re welcome. Laurie may not be able to make it, as she is traveling. Will it be alright if we bring someone who resembles her?

Let me know as soon as possible.

Thank you.

*I didn’t, but I really wanted to!

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A Modern Cyrano De Bergerac

In an effort to use my powers for good, I’ve been helping my lonely friend Connor* write letters to prospective partners on It hadn’t been going well until a few days ago, when he finally received a response! “Excellent!” I thought to myself, “A woman who appreciates fine writing.”

They went on their first date, and presumably things went pretty well.

This is where the story takes a turn for the worse. When Connor asked this woman for a follow-up date, she responded in a cool manner:

I already have plans this weekend.

Being no stranger to the game hard-to-get, I knew what Connor had to do. He had to send a follow up email to demonstrate that he was interested. Here is what I recommended he write:

My Dearest Heather,

Crestfallen and distraught are the only words that can describe my feelings right now as I read and reread your ambivalent response. I can only presume you have plans this weekend because you did not feel the fiery connection I felt during our Tuesday rendezvous. Had you felt the same way I had, you would have no doubt canceled everything in hopes that we could spend all of our free time in the coming days, weeks, months, and years together.

Why have you forsaken me? Was it what I was wearing? I will burn that outfit. I thought I was a perfect gentleman: I walked on the outside, I politely looked away when you drooled a little on your napkin, and I did not make advances that may make my lady blush. If you feel that was not the case, please do me the honor of giving me a second chance. How does your schedule look next week?


Connor reviewed the email, but decided it was not the best approach to winning her over.

*Names changed. I randomly selected a name to place here. It was completely random.

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