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Month: May 2016

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Hotel room cleanliness:

I popped a zit on my neck this morning, and because of the inconvenient angle, I briefly panicked that I would not be able to find the remnants. Fortunately, the bathroom was IMMACULATE, so I was easily able to spot my bacteria droppings and wipe them clean. Thank you to you and your staff for keeping the room pristine.

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I Studied at Oxford

I studied at Oxford University for a semester, so I bought a lot of hooded sweatshirts that say Oxford University on it.

The other day, I was wearing one of my Oxford hoodies, and I was worried no one would notice that I was academically accomplished. Luckily, someone did. A group of us were socializing after our team tennis match, and a gentleman with a British accent asked, “Oh! Did you attend Oxford?”

“Yes!” I replied.

“Me too!” he said.

I thought, “Uh oh, I hope he doesn’t start singing some alma mater. I’ll have to hum along giddily and pretend I know what it is.”

Luckily his next question was, “What college?”

“Exeter!” I replied.

“I was at Pembroke,” he said, “For my master’s.”

“Lovely! Me too!” I replied. And then I decided to share some information to demonstrate I had been there.

“I really like the pub in the college basement.”

“Hm.” He replied. And that was the end of our conversation.

I should have said, “I really liked the academic rigor.” Maybe a true Oxford grad would have said that.

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The Difference Between Kids and Adults

The difference between kids and adults is when you are a kid, you love getting gifts.

“I got you something!” elicits all sorts of excitement. Is it a toy, is clothes, is it movie tickets? What is it?! And it’s always awesome. You like whoever got you that gift. It’s the fastest way to your heart.

When you are an adult, and someone says “I got you something,” it’s different.

As an adult, I immediately think, “Why are you trying to destroy my balanced aesthetic? I have everything I need, and the only reason I do not have everything I want is that a giant marble fountain, sculpted in my image, would look excessive in my condo.”

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I don’t know whether to be annoyed or impressed when I spot an extra long chin hair.

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Two nights ago, I dreamed I was looking at the Weather app on my phone and adjusting the background image from gray to a lighter shade of gray. I wasn’t quite satisfied with the shade of gray in the app, so I was going back and forth on it, in the dream.

Sometimes I wonder whether I’m getting boring, and this dream was my brain’s way of saying, “Yes, you are. And maybe, maybe you always have been.”

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The Last Witch Hunter and Vin Diesel’s Journal

I saw The Last Witch Hunter last night, and it reminded me of how awesome Vin Diesel is.

First, a movie review of The Last Witch Hunter:

The Last Witch Hunter is a movie about Vin Diesel, a cursed immortal man, who keeps the peace between humans and witches by acting as a watch dog. I don’t want to give anything away, so I’ll just say that it’s a phenomenal movie.

8 Flaming Swords

And now, a review of Vin Diesel’s website:

I ventured over to Vin Diesel’s website and was thrilled to see a link for Vin Diesel’s JOURNAL. I was like, “He keeps an online journal. Like me. That’s something Vin Diesel and I have in common. We are one and the same inside.” So I clicked on the link to the Journal, and it’s just a picture of him. I’ve made this image a clickable link to his website, so you can confirm for yourself.

Screen Capture
Screen Capture

There are two logical explanations for this lack of content in his Journal section.

Explanation 1:

He didn’t build the site. It’s a template of some sort, and the site creators dreamed of populating it, and then they ran out of creative juju.

Explanation 2:

He posted in his journal, a lot. He started every morning alone with a cup of fresh squeezed orange juice, a wheat toast with some butter, a keyboard and his thoughts. Vin wrote and wrote, sometimes for 10 minutes, sometimes for two hours. The amount of time didn’t matter: what mattered was that he wrote every day. And then one day, he read The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald. Specifically, he came upon this passage:

“He smiled understandingly-much more than understandingly. It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you may come across four or five times in life. It faced–or seemed to face–the whole eternal world for an instant, and then concentrated on you with an irresistible prejudice in your favor. It understood you just as far as you wanted to be understood, believed in you as you would like to believe in yourself, and assured you that it had precisely the impression of you that, at your best, you hoped to convey.”

Vin Diesel was so struck by the eloquent prose, the story, and the greatest encapsulation what it is to love and die alone. He yelled, “THE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL HAS ALREADY BEEN WRITTEN!” and slammed down on the delete key with Vin Diesel force, and his journal was no more.

It’s probably Explanation 2. That’s okay, it frees him to focus on his acting.

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I just ate half a pound of guacamole because it was going to expire today. So yes, I’d say I have my act together.

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