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Category: Advice Column

Das ist ein Brief

Dear Rosetta Stone,

I want to write to my mother in German and talk to her about her favorite topic: Me.

I want to bring her immeasurable happiness by telling her what I ate, tell her I am walking, and I want to tell her I am not swimming. I will also tell her I am not riding a bicycle. If I read a newspaper, I would like to tell her that too.

Unfortunately, I’m not able to share anything about myself yet, because the pronoun “I” is not covered in the first two hours of Core Lesson 1.

I know:
The girl: Das Madchen
The boy: Der Junge
The woman: Die Frau
The man: Der Mann
They: Sie

But I do not know, “I,” nor how to conjugate it, arguably the most important of all. My mother will find it very curious if I recap my day by only describing what other people do.

Let me be clear: if I only present information about other people to her, in broken German, she will suspect I am hiding something. And when my mother thinks I’m hiding something, she frets. And then with the persistence of a strongly motivated FBI agent, who is willing to cut corners for answers to questions the brass is too scared to ask, she will get to the bottom of what I may be hiding. She will brutally interrogate my siblings, exhaust my husband’s patience, and write desperate, threatening emails. And I will have to explain, IN ENGLISH – SO FORGET ABOUT PRACTICING ANY NEWLY LEARNED GERMAN, that I could not write about myself, because you did not include the pronoun “I” in the first two hours of the course. Who knows if she will believe this truth.

Please consider incorporating “I” and relevant conjugations earlier into the curriculum.

Kind regards,

A Person Who Bought Your Software Years Ago and Only Started Using it Recently

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Bachelor Party in Montreal: Weekend Itinerary

Montreal offers several, shall I say, cultural advantages, that make it an ideal destination for a bachelor party. Here is an itinerary that will help men make the most of one final, wild weekend celebrating their buddy’s foray into a lifetime of spiritual and physical monogamy.

Friday 6pm: Arrive at the hotel

Relaxing at the hotel
Relax Friday night because you’re in for an incredible weekend.

Since everyone will likely be arriving from different destinations, use Friday evening as an opportunity to check in to the hotel and regroup. Draw a nice bubble bath to cleanse yourself before a weekend of absolute debauchery. If two of you are sharing a room, sit on opposites sides of the bath tub to avoid awkwardness.
After that, get some rest. You need to be bright-eyed and bushy tailed for Saturday morning, if you catch my drift.

Hotel Gault
449 Rue Sainte-Hélène
Montréal, QC H2Y 2K9, Canada

Must appreciate: Relaxing in Old Montreal, a picturesque town that makes you feel like you’re in Paris.

Olive and Gourmando
The pastry offering at Olive and Gourmando, where you start the day.

Saturday 9am: Morning Libation
Get the groom pumped for the day by starting with a savory cappuccino or fresh brewed tea at Olive et Gourmando. This friendly restaurant offers incredible pastries and artisan coffee that is likely to stimulate all your senses.

Olive et Gourmando
351 Rue Saint Paul O
Montréal, QC H2Y 2A7, Canada

Must try: The granola – pick up some to nibble on throughout the day to keep the energy up as well. Make the best man carry the granola bag. It’s his duty.

Saturday 11:15am: Karaoke
It’s time to go hard, and karaoke at 11:15 on a Saturday morning is the best way to get everyone to loosen up. Belt out your favorite tunes at Club Date Piano Bar in Montreal’s Le Village.

Club Date Piano Bar
1218 Rue Sainte-Catherine E
Montréal, QC H2L 2G9, Canada

Must sing: Anything by Prince.

Saturday 2pm: Bagel Tasting

What better conversation than to explore subtle nuances between bagels? Pictured here, bagel with lox.

Montreal has awesome wood-fire baked bagels. It’s time for you and the boys to debate which is your favorite. Start with St. Viateur Bagel and Café. Pay careful attention to the bagel texture and flavor, because you’ll want to remember it 30 minutes later when you walk over to La Maison de L’Original Fairmount Bagel, a more casual bagel counter.

Bagel Stop 1
St. Viateur Bagel and Café
1127 Avenue du Mont-Royal E,
Montréal, QC H2J 1X9, Canada

Bagel Stop 2
La Maison de l’Original Fairmount Bagel
74 Avenue Fairmount O
Montréal, QC H2T 2M1, Canada

Must try: The Rosemary and Sea Salt flavor!

Saturday 3:30pm: Le Musee du costume et du textile du Quebec
Le Musée du costume et du textile du Québec vit une importante métamorphose en devenant le Musée de la mode. Cette nouvelle identité, plus en accord avec sa mission, contribue à rassembler les principaux acteurs du secteur de la mode à Montréal autour de ce lieu unique, créatif et évolutif.

Musée du costume et du textile du Québec
363, rue de la commune Est
Montréal, QC H2Y 1J3, Canada

Saturday 5:30pm: Sunset Hike up Le Mont Royal Et Ses Alentours

Journaling time
Climb to the top to see this view.

Time to walk off those bagel calories! Montreal has a beautiful replica of Central Park where all the local teenagers – all of them – gather on 4/20 to celebrate Bob Marley. Luckily that was on Wednesday this year, and today is Saturday, so the smoke has cleared and you can stroll to the peak of the park and sit down.

At this point, the best man should share his big surprise for the weekend: Commemorative monogrammed notebooks for journaling! Bask in the beautiful glow of introspection as you all jot down thoughts in this moment of quiet perfection.

Must try: Writing poetry. No one will judge you today.


Saturday 8pm: Dinner at Joe Beef

Sit back and let your tongue do the thinking as you take in the savory flavors.
Sit back and let your tongue do the thinking as you take in the savory flavors at Joe Beef.

Joe Beef is that expensive hole-in-the-wall restaurant you have been desperately seeking to complete this perfect Saturday in Montreal. The drinks are on point, the service is fun, and the food is delicious. Get two desserts: it’s a weekend celebration.

Joe Beef
2491 Rue Notre-Dame O
Montréal, QC H3J 1N6, Canada

Must try: The foie gras.

Saturday 11pm: Bed Time
This isn’t your ordinary bed time. This is Montreal bedtime. All the men on the trip should tuck in the lucky bachelor. Read journal entries from earlier in the day as he drifts off into the most peaceful slumber.

Must try: A tall glass of water to avoid dehydration.

Sunday 11am: The Notre-Dame Basilica of Montreal
Start Sunday off right with a Catholic Mass at the Notre-Dame Basilica, built in the 1800s! You might be thinking, “We’re not all Catholic.” That’s okay, you’re there for the organ that was built in 1891 by the renowned Casavant brothers of Saint-Hyacinthe. The organ has 4 keyboards, 99 stops, and approximately 7,000 pipes. 7,000 PIPES.

There is a 9:30am Mass too, but you need to catch the 11am one because you can hear the organ and the choir. The choir is only at the 11am mass.

Notre-Dame Basilica
110 Notre-Dame Street West
Montreal, QC H2Y 1T1, Canada

7000 pipes. 7000 PIPES. You can't even see them all.
7000 pipes. 7000 PIPES. You can’t even see them all.

Must appreciate: The sanctuary and the altar.

Sunday 1:30pm: Poster Shopping

Posters are beautiful expressions of art. Venture to Montreal’s favorite poster store to peruse and select a poster that you will all share, forever, a la sisterhood of the travelling pants. Prices range from $100 to thousands of dollars. The bachelor gets the poster first, but two months after the wedding he should give it to the best man, then the best man should send it to the most Asian guy, etc.

71 Rue Saint-François-Xavier
Montréal, QC H2Y 2T1, Canada

Must appreciate: Something from the year 2013

Sunday 4pm: Group cab ride to the airport

You have to take a cab, because Uber is forbidden in Montreal. Sort of. Uber operates in Montreal, but they’re not supposed to be operating there. Either way, this ride is a bittersweet one, because it’s the beginning of the end of the most magical weekend you’ve had in a long time.

Cab ride pro-tip: Speak to your driver in French – it’ll be the last chance you have to practice the language. Airport personnel have no patience for your bumbling display of high school French class mediocrity.

Sunday 7pm: Eat smoked meat sandwich at the airport

In addition to stellar bagels and rock star granola, Montreal offers delicious cured meats. Pick up a fresh sandwich at the airport and be floored by your best airport dinner ever. As you take a bite out of your sandwich, turn to your fellas, and nod. They’ll understand.


Smoked meat is the thing to get in Montreal. Delic!
Smoked meat is the thing to get in Montreal. Delic!
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Advice Column

Dear ImAwkward Admin,

I’m planning a wedding, and I wanted to know whether 3/10th of a mile was too much to ask guests in formal attire to walk. Please tell me.

Walking Planner


Hello Walking Planner,

3/10ths of a mile is a short distance to ask guests to walk for your big moment. You will not be able to determine who your strongest guests are by only asking that they walk 3/10ths of mile.

On the big day, guests will be eager to demonstrate their prowess to you. I suggest a minimum of one mile in formal attire to start separating the wheat from the chaff. If you insist on 3/10ths of a mile, I recommend adding obstacles such as sidewalk closures and homeless people to the route.

Awkward Admin

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