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Date archive for: November 2014

Checking in With You

I had my first stand-up performance at an open mic last month. It was exhilarating. All my friends and one stranger laughed. The stranger, a young woman who was probably high as a kite, said, “Oh my god I love her,” after one of my jokes. I said, “Thank you!” And I meant it. I should have said, “I love you too,” because that would have been polite.

They (people who talk about stand-up) say that you need to repeat your act and really hone in on the jokes. I bought some props I’m going to use for one joke, and I’ve written two new jokes I think I can clean up. Now I just have to work up the courage to attend another event!

My sketch career is also really blossoming. I recently wrote one that I’m especially proud of. I’m going to post it here. We haven’t performed it yet, but we will at the next show, I think.

I hope you can be happy for me, sweet blog. I’m not ignoring you because we’re not friends anymore. Rather, I’m not making time for you because there are more pressing matters I must attend to, namely my thriving comedy career. And you should be happy for me, because if I make it, that means we make it. That was the plan all along. You, me, and David, we’re going to be big stars.

Enjoy this sketch!

Setting: Bank
Ellen
Little Jane
Johnson (teller)
Manager (teller’s manager)
Bank Robber (female)

ELLEN
Sweetie, mommy just needs to order some new checks, and then we can go to the ice cream shop.

LITTLE JANE
Okay mommy, I’m going to order chocolate!

JOHNSON
Alright Ms. Applebaum, I’m going to finalize your request for new checkbooks and we’ll be all set.

BANK ROBBER
(charges in)
EVERYBODY GET DOWN! WHAT HAPPENS IN THE NEXT TWO MINUTES CAN BE VERY EASY OR VERY DIFFICULT.

(everyone in line ducks down)

JOHNSON
Is this a robbery?

BANK ROBBER
YES! Put all the money available into this bag. If you don’t, I’m going to shatter this bank’s glass ceiling.

JOHNSON
(yelling) I believe you already have Miss! We have never had a female bank robber before.

ELLEN
(yelling, while down on the ground)
As the first female bank robber, you are going to be representative of all female bank robbers. (turns to little Jane)
BECAUSE THAT’S HOW IT IS FOR WOMEN TODAY JANE!

BANK ROBBER
GIVE ME ALL OF YOUR MONEY!

JOHNSON
Miss, please remain calm. I have to ask my manager to open the vault.

BANK ROBBER
FINE!

MANAGER
(enters)
Johnson, did you need my help with a customer?

JOHNSON
Yes, I have a woman here who is being very assertive, if you catch my drift.

MANAGER
I read you loud and clear Johnson, she is being a bitch. Women!

JOHNSON
No sir, she is trying to rob the bank.

MANAGER
Well, hm, bless her heart.

JOHNSON
I need you to open the vault sir.

BANK ROBBER
Or else I’ll shoot!

ELLEN
And don’t you think for a second about paying her less than you pay the other robbers!
(to Jane) Jane she worked just as hard as any male bank robber. She deserves that. But SHE has to ask.

BANK ROBBER
SHUT UP!

ELLEN
You’re right! I shouldn’t treat you differently! I’M SORRY!

(Robber runs around and grabs manager and holds gun to head.)

MANAGER
AHH! THIS WOMAN IS INSANE! There’s no reasoning with her. GIVE HER THE MONEY, JOHNSON!

JOHNSON
OKAY!

MANAGER
WAIT JOHNSON. I can’t be the first manager that was robbed by a woman.

BANK ROBBER
(shoots)

ELLEN
A WOMAN MURDERER!

BANK ROBBER
I am not the first woman murderer!

ELLEN
NOR SHALL YOU BE THE LAST!
(turns to daughter)
The point is that women can do any job they want to do.

JOHNSON
Here is all the money, and I’ve counted it for you.

BANK ROBBER
I CAN COUNT FOR MYSELF.

ELLEN
(to Jane) She’s probably a math major Jane. A whiz at calculus no doubt!

BANK ROBBER
(runs out)

ELLEN
WAIT! DO YOU THINK WOMEN CAN HAVE IT ALL!?

THE END

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