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Category archive for: Married

Hell Hath No Fury

….like that of a woman who has been trying to get pregnant, but is not yet.

Is that the expression?

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Married out of my intellectual league.

Me: David, what’s the most powerful movie you’ve seen recently? One that really stuck with you?

David: Hmm, I’d have to say, Incendies.

Me: Oh…the French Canadian psychological thriller?

David: Yes, that one really stands out.

Me: Interesting, let’s move on.

David: Wait, what’s yours?

Me: It’s not important.

David: Let me guess, Neighbors 2?

Me: That was also a good movie. But no, I was thinking, Zootopia. That really resonated with me.

David: Mmhmm.

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How Do I Get Him to Notice Me?

David is out of town. He never checks in when he’s out of town. I have access to his Amazon Prime account. I want to order a bunch of random stuff (rope, rubbing alcohol, industrial cleaner, a machete, trash bags) so he starts paying attention to me.

He’ll call and say, “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!”

Here’s how I envision the conversation.

(phone ring)
Me: Hi David!

Him: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Me: Missing you! What are you doing?

Him: No. Those purchases. Why did you make those purchases on my Amazon account.

Me: Hmm? Oh those! I can explain.

Him: Go ahead.

Me: I absolutely needed next day shipping, and you have Amazon prime.

Him: Why did you buy a machete?

Me: I’m just doing my usual thing when you’re out of town. Anyway! What are you up to? How is it going!?

Him: It’s going okay.

Me: I think it would be best if you told people you were in town hanging out with me this weekend. Gotta go! Love you! Can’t wait till you get back!

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