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How Do I Get Him to Notice Me?

David is out of town. He never checks in when he’s out of town. I have access to his Amazon Prime account. I want to order a bunch of random stuff (rope, rubbing alcohol, industrial cleaner, a machete, trash bags) so he starts paying attention to me.

He’ll call and say, “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!”

Here’s how I envision the conversation.

(phone ring)
Me: Hi David!


Me: Missing you! What are you doing?

Him: No. Those purchases. Why did you make those purchases on my Amazon account.

Me: Hmm? Oh those! I can explain.

Him: Go ahead.

Me: I absolutely needed next day shipping, and you have Amazon prime.

Him: Why did you buy a machete?

Me: I’m just doing my usual thing when you’re out of town. Anyway! What are you up to? How is it going!?

Him: It’s going okay.

Me: I think it would be best if you told people you were in town hanging out with me this weekend. Gotta go! Love you! Can’t wait till you get back!

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A New Haircut

I have always been interested in making myself a better version of myself. So I take haircuts very seriously, because if I look good on the outside, people think I am a better person on the inside too.

I’ve also always been interested in bangs. However, in the United States, when I go to salons, the conversation usually goes something like this:

Stylist: So what are you looking for today?

Me: I’d like a fresh new look.

Stylist: Oh, so like a bob or a short hair cut?

Me: No no, mother wouldn’t like me to cut my hair short.

Stylist: Okay, so maybe some layers.

Me: I want a fresh new look. I’m thinking: bangs.

Stylist: Long, side-swept bangs?

Me: No, real bangs.

Stylist: (looks uncomfortable) I wouldn’t recommend that for you.

Stylist: How about some highlights?

Me: No, mother does not want me to dye my hair.

And then after more back and forth, I get a trim and some layers.

Well, we were in Japan last week, and the Japanese excel in everything they do, so I knew it was time to get a haircut. I selected a salon from Time Out Tokyo, called Ridicule. With a name like that, I knew I was guaranteed a hip new look.

Here’s how the conversation went down.

Stylist: Irassyaimase!

Me: Konichiwa! Sumimasen, do you speak English?

Stylist: Very little.

Me: Arigatou, I was thinking about bangs.

Stylist: (blank look) Oh! Bangs! (frowns) (Says something in Japanese)

Me: Sumimasen. (I look sheepish)

Stylist: (takes out mobile phone, types in something, shows translation to me) “Do you know how to brush your hair.”

Me: Yes! (Did my hair not look brushed?)

Stylist: (hands me a magazine)

Me: (I flip to a page and point to a picture where the girl has bangs.)

Stylist: (Looks at picture, flips to a different one of a woman WITHOUT bangs, presents it to me.)

Me: (Shake my head, flip to a new picture of a girl, with bangs).

Stylist: Okay! (And smiles supportively.)

Anyway, here’s pretty much the outcome.


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