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I Am Cool Now Posts

Bermuda triangle, girl scout, or alpine skiing?

As usual, I have very important news.

Last night was supposed to be a very relaxed night. But then, my friend called me up and said, “Want to go to a bikini competition?”

“Yes.” I responded, without hesitating. As a pervert, such competitions are often very enjoyable for me to watch. That’s a joke, of course. I’m not a pervert.  I’m just a lonely man, looking for love in all the wrong places.

Anyway, I have always wondered what it was like to go to MTV’s Spring Break or participate in some other form of youth revelry. So now, in my older age, I am quick to jump on any opportunity that will give me a glimpse of the fun I could have had.

Anyway, we got there, had some drinks, and the competition started. The one thing I remember distinctly about competition is the young announcer who asked the competitors questions. He was awful. He just kept asking the exact same questions. One of his questions just required that the girl pick one word from three he supplied. 

Here are three of the five interviews I watched:

DJ: Do you have a boyfriend?

Girl: Yes

Audience: Booo!

DJ: Oh no! Do you have a girlfriend?

Girl: Uh…no. I have a boyfriend.

Audience: Booo!

DJ: Choose one of three: bermuda triangle, girl scout, or alpine skiing.

Girl: *blank look*

DJ: (speaking slower) Bermuda triange…Girl scout….or allllpine skiing.

Girl: Uh, I don’t know, girl scout

Audience: Booo!

DJ: Looks like the audience didn’t like that!

Girl: *Smiles and waves*

DJ: What are you going to spend the money on if you win?

Girl: I can’t tell you that.


DJ: Do you have a boyfriend?

Girl: No!

Audience: Yaaay!

DJ: Oh no! Do you have a girlfriend?

Girl: Maaaybe..

Audience: Yaaay!

DJ: Choose one of three: bermuda triangle, girl scout, or alpine skiing.

Girl: *blank (and completely justified) WTF look*

DJ: (speaking slower) Bermuda triange…Girl scout….or alpine skiing.

Girl: Uh, I don’t know, girl scout

Audience: Booo!

DJ: Looks like the audience didn’t like that!

Girl: *looks confused*

DJ: What are you going to spend the money on if you win?

Girl: Vegas baby!


My favorite, however, was the following Q&A:

DJ: Do you have a boyfriend?

Girl: No, I have a son.

Audience: Yaay!

DJ: Oh no! Do you have a girlfriend?

Girl: No.

Audience: Yaaay!

DJ: Choose one of three: bermuda triangle, girl scout, or alpine skiing.

Girl: Girl scout

Audience: Booo!

DJ: Looks like the audience didn’t like that!

DJ: What are you going to spend the money on if you win?

Girl: My son.

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Major Productivity

After an impressive three hours of brainstorming over at headquarters,

we have modified the look of the home page. 


 we put a lot of







g in the introduction paragraph to make it read more


You probably agree that this is a pretty brilliant change.  

For those of you unfamiliar with the old look, back in the day (yesterday), that paragraph was just one simple paragraph. 

Now, the site introductory paragraph is full of empty space





and center aligned 

sentence fragments. 

We have also increased the font size.  

 Such progress is unprecedented.

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I'm Irritable

I’m having one of those “over-reacting to everything” sort of days.

For example, one of my employees put something in reverse chronological order. I stared at the numbers, and then angrily thought, “WHY?! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?! YOU KNOW THE RULES! MY DAY IS RUINED!”

And then, I re-ordered it, all the while shaking my head irritably. This task took a whole minute.

I also have this pen that is very messy. Often, more ink comes out of it than necessary. Today, in my heightened state of annoyance, I seriously considered replacing the pen – throwing it away, even. I know, a strong move, but that’s just how irritated I was. Instead, recognizing that I shouldn’t make these kinds of decisions when I am not thinking rationally, I put a cap on the pen and vowed to use the computer to jot down notes and tasks today. Anything that absolutely must be written on paper will be written with my highlighter, a writing utensil that has never leaked on me.

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Lookin' good! ..well, soon

Today I am wearing glasses, and my hair is up in in a disheveled pony tail. Nevertheless, I look intelligent and adorable. It’s very impressive, actually. I’ve outdone myself. Most days I just look good, but today I look really good with very little effort.

Truly, few people can pull off this look as well as I am at this very moment, right now. Spectacular. I should decorate my cubicle with mirrors so as to bask in the glory of my own movie star good looks.

On the other hand, this site is not looking as good as I am. So, it must have a grand makeover. Changes coming soon, dear visitor, changes coming soon.

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Stretching for Reflection

This morning I saw a small spider crawl into my work bag. Rather then empty out my bag and try to kill the thing, I decided to be merciful and let it stay there. I don’t know if it’s still in there, but now, I walk around, carrying my bag way out in front of me just in case the spider decides to crawl out. It’s rather ridiculous because I won’t even put stuff in the bag. I stumbled out of my car with a fairly empty bag in one hand held at a distance, and a sweater, some lunch, my wallet, and my keys all in my other hand. The spider has made me look like a fool.

I will set it free (kick it out of my bag) during my lunch break.

In more interesting news, I am feeling very patriotic and have posted an American flag in my cubicle. The flag has replaced the giant fish I posted earlier. Such news is completely blog-worthy because…because…okay I’m really low on material.

Sharing the news about my cubicle decor has taught me a lot about myself. Specifically, it has taught me how self-involved I am. It takes an impressively self-interested person to think other people would care to read such information.  Self-involved people are rare in this world, so let’s hope I never change.

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I have some good news and some bad news.  

The good news is that the conversation aid part is up!  More good news is that I will try to end each entry with a thought provoking reflection about the real world, as I promised in the first entry for this blog.  

The bad news is that I am strangely addicted to high school television dramas. I watch them and think, “Oh, so this is what the popular kids were going through all that time.  No wonder they could never finish their homework.”  

For those of you worried about how my cold is doing, rest assured that I am nursing myself back to good health.  I have been drinking plenty of fluids, and getting some rest.  I have also limited how much I speak so as to avoid straining my throat.   

Having a cold has, uh, taught me a lot about personal growth.  It’s important to overcome the obstacles that get in your way and not to let them overcome you.  

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I'm Shocked You've Never Heard of Me

Some very important events have transpired that I must share with you.

First off, I have a cold. Now usually, I would be really irritated to have a cold, but I’m using some super soft Kleenex that is making my nose-blowing experience rather pleasant. Sometimes, I hold the Kleenex up to my nose just to feel it against my skin.

In other news, we have a family reunion coming up. It is very important that I exude success and have something to brag about. As this site is my first project, it is imperative that it becomes a hit so that when my aunt asks, “What do you do?”

I can proudly say, “I’m the prodigy behind Surely you’ve heard of it. AWKWARD. A-W-K-W-A-R-D. No? You haven’t? I assure you, it’s big.”

“Oh, is that like that company google, where your cousin works?” she will respond.

“Exactly,” I will nod. I might even take it a step further, “I’m surprised you’ve heard of google and not imawkward.”

She will stare.

I will continue, “You know, it’s kind of refreshing to be around people who have no idea how big I am.”

At this point my mom will probably find me and drag me away before I further embarass my immediate family.

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I Give this Site Two Thumbs Up!

Great news! I have added a testimonials section to

The inspiration for the testimonials came to me one day, when I was thinking about how to improve the content on this site. I thought, “What better testament to how great the site is than words from the users themselves?!” 

Immediately thereafter, I imagined what users would say if they saw this site, and added those quotes to the Testimonials page.  I know what you’re thinking: “Um.  You made up all of the quotes on the testimonials page? …Well, they were totally realistic! Well done!”  Thank you. 

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Looking Ahead

Last night I saw Demetri Martin on the Daily Show. He was totally delightful! I innocently thought, “I should marry him.”But then I got ahead of myself, thinking, “Well, he would have to get a haircut before he meets my parents…and what if he’s not funny in real life? What if he’s so dedicated to creating humorous presentations that he’s actually serious at all other times? Surely I would be disappointed if we were dating and he was constantly ‘shushing’ me because he needed to focus on his work. And our kids might turn out ugly. That would be tragic. There is nothing sadder than an ugly child. Would they be able to embrace humor as a defense mechanism as I have? Or would they be miserable because their parents were always making jokes? Oh Demetri!”Okay, I just did a google search for him and found his personal page. I learned that I was spelling his name wrong – so I have gone through this entry and done a find and replace from Dmitri to Demetri. Also, after reviewing his site, I’m having trouble deciding whether he’s extremely brilliant or a complete idiot. Let’s hope, for the sake of our progeny, it’s the former.

In more important news, this site is making some impressive strides towards completion. There is now an apparel section. I have also solicited my internet friends for awkward moment stories. I asked my laser tag team if they had any good awkward moment stories, but they all said, “Noooo, not really.” Clearly, they are liars.

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The Beginning

I originally ran into some trouble setting up this website, so late on Friday night, I called tech support asking for some help.  I could almost hear the young man on the other end snicker when he saw my domain name – I’m Awkward.  I thought about saying, “Look buddy, I’m not the one stuck on tech support duty on a Friday night. Make no mistake. You are socially inferior to me,” but decided against it.   Anyway, this blog is here to share my awkward experiences.  These will range from social absurdities I experience during work to embarrassing encounters in restaurants to public transportation blunders.  I’ll try to end every entry with thoughtful reflection that applies to the real world a la Grey’s Anatomy, SATC, and Scrubs.  I’ll start with this entry:   

Talking with the tech support representative made me realize that people do funny things with their Friday nights. Some people like to work on their website (picture of me in front of my computer), other people like working for pay (picture of tech support guy), and some people, some people like to drink (shot of me, looking up from my computer, picking up my binoculars and staring out the window into the apartment across the street, watching a lonely older woman chug beer and throw things violently.) 

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