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Date archive for: January 2016

Accomplishment

I’m a little concerned about the overwhelming sense of accomplishment I feel when I finish watching a Netflix series.

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A Little Something About Me

Do I wake up early every morning to take a 7am spin class? No, absolutely not. I’ve never done that. Do I set my alarm every evening because I plan to? Yes. Because if there’s one word to accurately describe me, it’s ambitious.

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On What I’m Reading

When someone asks me, “What are you reading right now?”

I like to reply, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, so they know they’re dealing with an aspiring magician.

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On Making Monologue Jokes

This week I’ve been learning about monologue jokes, and they’re not easy.

For example, here are some news headlines from today:

a) David Bowie died on Sunday, two days after his 69th birthday.

b) Residents of Madaya and other Syrian towns are dying of starvation because of the civil war.

c) Marissa Mayer is going to lay off over 1000 Yahoo employees.

Immediately, I have to eliminate items 1 and 2 from the drawing board, because they’re off limits. According to Joe Toplyn’s Comedy Writing for Late-Night TV you should steer clear of topics that audiences are not ready to laugh at. For David Bowie, it’s too soon, and for the Syrian Civil War, it’s too tragic and too soon. I say “too soon” because after enough time passes, almost everything becomes open season for joke-fodder.

So that leaves c) Marissa Mayer is going to lay off over 1000 employees.  This is also upsetting, especially for the employees who have to support themselves and their families, but they’re going to make it, and I, I can help them through these difficult times by writing a joke about it. I give and I give.

Associations with Yahoo

Old internet technology
News
Google competitor
Used to dominate email
Ali-Baba stakeholder
Yahoo yodel

Associations with Marissa Mayer

New mother of twins
Hard-working CEO
Former google employee
Likes fashion
Micromanager

Associations with Silicon Valley

AOL
Engineers
Start-ups
Inflated salaries
Young guys

Associations with Layoffs

Denying layoffs
Severance packages
Brain drain
Fear
Boards of Directors

So here are some attempts to make this devastating situation for several employees humorous:

Have you heard about this? This spring, over 1000 Yahoo employees are going to be laid off. Yahoo employees picked up the story from Google News.

(So bad. SO bad.)

Have you heard about this? This spring, over 1000 Yahoo employees are going to be laid off. When asked if they read about this on Yahoo News, employees replied, “There’s a Yahoo News?”

(Maybe better.)

Internet giant Yahoo will be laying off over 1000 employees this spring. So software engineers, designers, and yodelers are back on the job market.

(This is the best so far.)

I might just write a stand-up bit that is all monologues and perform it at an open-mic. The audience might be like, “WTF is this,” and after I’m done, I will be like, “Hahaha! We have a great show planned for you tonight! Up next, a slovenly white guy! Stay with us!” And then I’ll push play on a tape recorder and walk off the stage to upbeat jazz music.

 

 

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New Years Resolution Status Update 02

Resolution: Win a match against David in tennis.
Status: Lost 6-2, 6-3 today. Attribute this week’s progress to the 5 push-ups and 27 sit-ups I did on Wednesday. Also, on Saturday I peeled onions, not for cooking, but to master my emotions.

Resolution: Be less of a hoarder.
Status: Was going to throw away this stack of papers, but realized I could use the back of each page as scratch paper.

Got close to recycling these
Got close to recycling these

Resolution: Make a joke a day.
Status:I’m making something a day.

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Definition of Success 02

I just closed five browser tabs that are no longer relevant and only have four remaining tabs open, so yes, I’d say I finally have my life together.

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My Husband on Improv – Episode 1

Husband: What are we doing this week?
Me: We are going to Jacob’s improv show on Tuesday night.
Husband: What.
Me: It was your idea. You said, “We should go to one of your shows!” And he said, “It’s Tuesday!” and you said, “We should go!”
Husband: I did not know we were volunteering to see an improv show. If I knew it was an improv show, I would not have said that.

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Conversations with a Hoarder 01

2009
Boyfriend: That’s a cute shirt.
Girlfriend: Thanks! I’ve had it since seventh grade!
Boyfriend: That’s amazing! You fit into the same clothes you fit in 13 years ago!
Girlfriend: I knew this shirt would come back in style!

2015
Husband: I didn’t know you were a hoarder.
Wife: I didn’t hide it.
Husband: Well it’s not like I saw your room at your parent’s house.
Wife: You knew I wore clothes from seventh grade. Why do you think I have clothes from seventh grade?

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New Years Resolution: Status Update

Resolution: Win a match against David in tennis.
Status: Lost 6-1, 6-2 today. Will try again next week.

Resolution: Be less of a hoarder.
Status: Was going to throw away this calendar, but realized I could use it again in seven years.
2015 Calendar

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Resolution: Make a joke a day.
Status: Tennis loss triggered overwhelming despair. Need to make joke before tennis. Will try again tomorrow, if in a stronger emotional state.

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