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Category archive for: Quotable Quotes

On Discovering

I feel like the word “discovered” is used incorrectly a lot, by me. So when I use it I have to justify it immediately.
“I discovered a new soy-glazed salmon recipe…in my cookbook. Yes, it was a harrowing journey through the pages and I lived to tell the tale.”

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On Daily Goals

I’ve noticed that as I’ve gotten older, my goals for the day have become less and less ambitious, but equally challenging. It used to be, “I plan to finish my to-do list by the end of the day and get a head start on tomorrow’s tasks.” Now it’s more like: “I’m going to try to not overeat at dinner tonight.”

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On Choosing a Career

I’m not saying I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I am saying I don’t know how to make money…without working. Because that’s what I want to do with my life. My vision is clear. It’s the execution that is hazy.

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Aspiring Artist

One of the most awkward things to tell people is that I am an aspiring comedian. It always follows with this conversation:

Person: Tell me a joke.
Me: Well, I’m aspiring, so I don’t have many jokes yet.
Person: Tell me one.
Me: (hesitate)
Person: (getting angry) Come on. Tell me one joke.
Me: It’s not very good. (Lower expectations)
Person: Come on!
Me: Okay, here it is (pause, take a deep breath, build anticipation)
Person: (Stares.)
Me: I was at an open mic last week. And I thought, “Wow, that looks very difficult. I bet I can make that look difficult too.”
Person: (Stares. Slowly begins to nod.)
Me: That’s the joke.
Person: I get it. That’s kind of funny.
Me: Thank you. That’s my best joke.

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Like a Vulcan

I thought I looked really good tonight, but David didn’t say anything. So I ate a lot of cheese.

And obviously the title of this post reflects the opposite of its content.

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Focus on your ability

Gossip Girl is back. And so am I.

“Uh, I had no idea the two were related,” you think. That is very astute. Normally there would not be a connection, but Monday’s episode was so inspiring that I knew I would be doing a disservice to the internet community if I stayed silent. Specifically, there are two big revelations that I must blog about.

1) Serena Vanderwoodsen is now a production assistant. To demonstrate the chaos that accompanies such a role, she has adopted the sloppy ponytail. She makes it look chic, so I trust the sloppy ponytail is back in style. This means my sloppy ponytail is also in style. I am thrilled.

2) Foster the People’s “Houdini” is fabulous. It was on the episode, so I bought it. I like to mentally cry, “Sometimes I want to disappear!” with all the angst I’m now too old to justifiably feel, but still do. I’m so full of angst. The song also has a refrain that goes, “Focus on your ability!” Focus on your ability!” So it’s unique because the song has anguish, but it also has an inspirational message that resonates. It’s perfect.

That’s about all that is worth sharing about the season premier of Gossip Girl this past Monday. Everything else that happened on the show made me suspect that I am getting too old to watch the show. *Eyes narrow.*

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More Email Correspondences

I received this note today:

Thank you for your quick response. Please note that all three of you will be required to come to closing to sign the documents so please make sure Laurie can be here as well.

Let me know what Laurie says as soon as possible.

Thank you.

I responded* with this note:

You’re welcome. Laurie may not be able to make it, as she is traveling. Will it be alright if we bring someone who resembles her?

Let me know as soon as possible.

Thank you.

*I didn’t, but I really wanted to!

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A Modern Cyrano De Bergerac

In an effort to use my powers for good, I’ve been helping my lonely friend Connor* write letters to prospective partners on match.com. It hadn’t been going well until a few days ago, when he finally received a response! “Excellent!” I thought to myself, “A woman who appreciates fine writing.”

They went on their first date, and presumably things went pretty well.

This is where the story takes a turn for the worse. When Connor asked this woman for a follow-up date, she responded in a cool manner:

Connor,
I already have plans this weekend.
Thanks,
Heather

Being no stranger to the game hard-to-get, I knew what Connor had to do. He had to send a follow up email to demonstrate that he was interested. Here is what I recommended he write:

My Dearest Heather,

Crestfallen and distraught are the only words that can describe my feelings right now as I read and reread your ambivalent response. I can only presume you have plans this weekend because you did not feel the fiery connection I felt during our Tuesday rendezvous. Had you felt the same way I had, you would have no doubt canceled everything in hopes that we could spend all of our free time in the coming days, weeks, months, and years together.

Why have you forsaken me? Was it what I was wearing? I will burn that outfit. I thought I was a perfect gentleman: I walked on the outside, I politely looked away when you drooled a little on your napkin, and I did not make advances that may make my lady blush. If you feel that was not the case, please do me the honor of giving me a second chance. How does your schedule look next week?

Connor

Connor reviewed the email, but decided it was not the best approach to winning her over.

*Names changed. I randomly selected a name to place here. It was completely random.

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Delightful Song Quotes


I’ll shine up the old brown shoes, put on a brand new shirt.
I’ll get home early from work if you say that you love me.

-Cheap Trick

Take my photo off the wall if it just won’t sing for you.
-Jet

Everyday we wake up
We choose love, we choose light
And we try, it’s too easy just to fall apart.

-The Submarines

I grabbed some frozen strawberries so I could ice your bruisy knees
But frozen things they all unfreeze and now I taste like
All those frozen strawberries I used to chill your bruisy knees.

-Chairlift

Blank stares at blank pages
No easy way to say this
You mean well but you make this hard on me.
I’m not gonna write you a love song.

-Sara Bareilles

I am thinking it’s a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they’re perfectly aligned.

-The Postal Service

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