In an effort to use my powers for good, I’ve been helping my lonely friend Connor* write letters to prospective partners on match.com. It hadn’t been going well until a few days ago, when he finally received a response! “Excellent!” I thought to myself, “A woman who appreciates fine writing.”
They went on their first date, and presumably things went pretty well.
This is where the story takes a turn for the worse. When Connor asked this woman for a follow-up date, she responded in a cool manner:
I already have plans this weekend.
Being no stranger to the game hard-to-get, I knew what Connor had to do. He had to send a follow up email to demonstrate that he was interested. Here is what I recommended he write:
My Dearest Heather,
Crestfallen and distraught are the only words that can describe my feelings right now as I read and reread your ambivalent response. I can only presume you have plans this weekend because you did not feel the fiery connection I felt during our Tuesday rendezvous. Had you felt the same way I had, you would have no doubt canceled everything in hopes that we could spend all of our free time in the coming days, weeks, months, and years together.
Why have you forsaken me? Was it what I was wearing? I will burn that outfit. I thought I was a perfect gentleman: I walked on the outside, I politely looked away when you drooled a little on your napkin, and I did not make advances that may make my lady blush. If you feel that was not the case, please do me the honor of giving me a second chance. How does your schedule look next week?
Connor reviewed the email, but decided it was not the best approach to winning her over.
*Names changed. I randomly selected a name to place here. It was completely random.