This past weekend I saw Zombieland, starring Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, Emma Stone, and Abigail Breslin. Throughout the movie, Jesse Eisenberg, aka Columbus, shares his rules for how to avoid being killed by zombies.
After seeing the movie, I knew what I had to do.
Buy tall leather boots.
While my companions viewed the movie as a delightful romantic-horror-comedy, I saw the movie for what it really was: instructional. I took detailed mental notes in every scene, filing away information Columbus didn’t think worthy of highlighting, but I knew would be valuable in the (God-forbid) event of a zombie takeover.
The most important implicit take-away I had from the movie was that if you’re a woman, you need to have awesome tall boots to adequately shoot and kick zombies. Wichita was wearing tall leather boots and skinny jeans, and clearly, it is imperative that I too have such boots and jeans to adequately ward off zombies.
Boots are not easy – you have to find boots that are fashionable, but also weather resistant and capable of supporting your ankles should you need to sprint and jump hurdles to avoid zombies.
There’s one more thing that makes boot shopping tricky – salespeople. I was shocked during my Saturday shopping excursion to find the salespeople ill-equipped to answer the most obvious of questions regarding the boots.
Me: Yes, I see there is a two inch heel on this shoe, which is great for making my thighs appear slim, but will these heels withstand the impact of leaping off of the top of say…a two story building? Nothing excessive – just two stories. It would be preferable if upon landing I was able to continue running. Could I keep running in these boots?
Me: Okay, well how about a one story building? And, forget the running, just an injury free landing would be great.
Salesperson: I can check to see if the boots come with a warranty.
Me: That would be great. Thank you.
Anyway, now I have awesome tall boots.
Next on my list is awesome skinny jeans. Stay tuned.