I Am Cool Now Posts

I originally planned to really wow him with my knowledge of his knowledge. Here is how I imagined our first meeting would go:

Me: Hi, I’m so excited to be working with you. I’ve read your book!

Advisor: Really?

Me: Absolutely! Let me just say that your ______ on ______ was really inspiring. Never before have I seen ____ approached through such a compelling, ___ist view before. I specifically appreciated the parallel between _____ and _____ you revealed. Although, I do have some follow up questions for you regarding the piece you cited. It’s quite controversial.

Advisor: You know, it’s so refreshing to have a student that is so passionate about my work.

Me: Well it’s hard not to be, and we both know the _________ Award committee agrees with me *wink*.

My plan was perfect, I thought. Impenetrable.

So I set out on my journey to read all of his work, and sure enough, I didn’t understand a word of it! Not a word!

I was all like, “WUT?!” as I perused chapter one of his award winning doctoral thesis.

After looking up a few words, I realized he loathes to resort to basal terms when a labyrinthine alternative exists.   I eloquently concluded, “Well, fu@&!”as I defenestrated plan A.

So now that I’ve realized it’s going to be a lot of effort to figure out what he’s saying so as to appropriately populate my brilliantly self-made Mad Libs round above, I have to find a new plan, and rest assured, dear blog, I already have.  I’m going to apply self tanner.  Sorry blog, by “new plan” I meant, “I’m going to find something more productive to do tonight.”

Criminal Minds is about a team of behavioral psychologists that track down sociopaths.

So, in _usual_ detective shows, the detectives ask a storekeeper, “Have you seen this man? He was 5’10” and had curly hair.” The storekeeper then says, “No! NEVER SEEN HIM BEFORE!” and then looks away nervously. And the detectives, armed with high problem-solving acumen, know something is up, but they can’t put their finger on it.

“He knows more than he’s letting on – I have a feeling” one detective will say to the other. The other detective, with much lower acumen, will be surprised to hear such a conclusion, and ask, “Really? You really think so? What makes you say that? He just said he has never seen him before.”

And the first detective will say, “Yeah, but something isn’t right.”

And the second detective will shake his head. And then they’ll use forensic evidence and a past criminal record to learn the shopkeeper is the murderer’s father!

Anyway – that’s how a regular crime show goes.

Criminal Minds is not your regular crime show. Since they’re behavioral detectives, they look for different traits. Rather than provide physical descriptions, they’ll give people personality descriptions. So, they’ll ask a storekeeper, “Did you see anyone do something suspicious yesterday here? Buy anything suspicious?”

And the storekeeper will say, “No…no not that I recall…”

And the detectives will then ask, “Did two men come in? One with a stutter perhaps, and another who seemed more confident and in charge – a real presence about him.”

The storekeeper will then say, “WHY YES! As a matter of fact! I remember the stutter -it was the most unfortunate stutter. And the other man in charge was very demanding – a real presence. They bought 28 guns I believe, let me see if I can find the receipt.”

Also, when they’re interviewing people, Criminal Minds detectives are smarter than regular detectives. For example, in last night’s episode, they needed a former victim’s help: “We need your help – you have to tell us what happened so we can find a new killer.”

And the former victim hugged herself, shook nervously, and then said, “NO! Nothing happened! I lied in the report!” and then ran off.

But rather than stand around and discuss whether or not she was telling the truth, one detective said, “Well, she’s lying,” and the other one was basically like, “Obvi. Way to go Einstein.” They don’t really say it in so many words, of course. What the other one really says is, “Yes, her erratic behavior, avoidant eye contact, and body shivers indicate that she was lying.”

Anyway, I appreciate that breakdown. Criminal Minds makes me feel smarter about myself as a television viewer, because it teaches me what to look for when I’m talking to a liar. It helps qualify instincts we all have!

Yeah, I was maybe a little bored today.

The last movie that made me laugh, cry, and develop a sincere appreciation for unorthodox music was Juno, and that came out in December – over three months ago! Juno had likeable actors, a heartwarming plot, and quick witted dialogue with sass reminiscent of this very blog. 😉 It was a great movie.

After Juno, I saw The Savages. The Savages was about watching a man die. I wanted to kill everyone involved in the movie, most of all, however, the screenwriters who helped make such a film possible. I was also surprised the Big Man Upstairs would allow the public release of such a human disaster.

Sitting around and blogging about how bad movies have been recently isn’t constructive, however. I need to help.

Movies should have plots, or story lines. An hour and a half snapshot into a man’s life akin to Death of a Salesman is no longer innovative and compelling. Been there, seen that, hated it then, don’t like it more now.

Before we watch a movie, I ask, “Does this one have a plot?” and my boyfriend likes to slyly reply, “You’ll see.” Rather than find his answer charming and exciting, I am often annoyed and make note to reply with “You’ll see” to some question he asks down the road.

Example:

Him: Does this meal have cucumbers in it? I’m allergic.

Me: *sly smile* You’ll see.

Additionally, plots should be delightful. I’ve gone ahead and done a quick assessment of popular conflicts that drive plots:

Infidelity – boring.

Unwanted pregnancy – humorous

Spelling – inspiring

Immigration – culturally eye-opening

Sports – whatever

Teenagers and serial killers – disconcerting

Based on my above brainstorm, I think it has just become shockingly clear what the public wants –

A heartwarming tale of an immigrant, spelling-bee finalist who becomes impregnated. After some witty, accent-filled dialogue, and culture related conflict, the mother will decide to keep the baby, even though it could hinder her spelling bee victory. Hugh Grant should make an appearance as a blubbering guidance counselor trying to learn more about the young woman’s culture, as it will give him a chance to step outside his box as a blubbering bachelor and a legitimate shot at an academy award.

There, I’ve done the hard part. Go on screenwriters – prove you’re still working.

What shall I do during this minibreak, you ask? Well blog, first I will check the weather forecast.

Then, then blog I will reorganize paper on my desk.

After that, I will fill my cup of tea and sip it.

While sipping, I will review my email inbox to see if there are any correspondences I have absentmindedly neglected. When I am done following up on the correspondences I absentmindedly neglected, I will go in search of those correspondences I purposefully neglected.

Then blog, I will review my task list and draw huge check marks next to everything I have accomplished. After doing so, I will make a big production of tearing the task list out of my notepad, crumpling it up as noisily as possible, and throwing it into the trashcan. Then I’ll sigh a smugly satisfied sigh, and say loudly enough for those around me to hear, “Yup! Another greatly productive week! I have yet again outdone myself.”

In other news, blog, this weekend is the Superbowl. The Superbowl is a football game between two teams that have each beaten other teams. The Superbowl is a big deal because each member of the winning team gets a beautiful ring and the opportunity to declare to the country their upcoming plans to go to Disney World. If I were a presidential candidate, I would totally try to get in touch with the Patriot’s Tom Brady and pay him whatever he wanted to yell, “I’m going to vote for _______!” into the cameras. And as long as we’re on the subject of support, I think it’s no secret who imawkward.com will be supporting during the heated and controversial football season: The Patriots! The Patriots’s undefeated record speaks for itself, providing hope and inspiration to New England fans and football lovers everywhere. They’re a consolidating force, during a time where bipartisanship runs deep in the NFL, and Tom Brady brings experience and the promise of change for the better to the table. This decision was especially challenging for me to make, because I look great in red, white, and blue, and both Superbowl teams seem to have these as team colors.