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Security Clearance

I attended another sketch writing event. This event went much better than the first, and my sketch earned me four chuckles and several pats on the back. The actors who played the parts really brought it to life, so I take one-third the credit. The third-third for credit go to David and Mike, who helped with the idea.

Security Clearance

Setting: 2 People in a coffee shop. One is taking notes while the other is speaking casually.

Characters:

OPM Agent: Leading the meeting. He is older and has a friendly affect. Too friendly. He is trying desperately to make friends in the midst of his clearance meetings.

Chris: Late thirties male.

OPM AGENT
Chris …Smith. Is that your legal name?

CHRIS
Yes.

OPM AGENT
British?

CHRIS
I don’t know. Maybe at some point.

OPM AGENT
You just seem like someone who has nobility in his blood.

CHRIS
Um okay.

OPM AGENT
Well let’s move on. Thank you for agreeing to meet today, Chris. This is a security interview about Jeff Saunders. I should tell you that according to the FAR Privacy Act, Mr. Saunders does have a right to request a written copy of my notes from today.

CHRIS
That’s fine.

OPM AGENT
Okay good. Let’s begin. Chris, what is your relationship with Jeff Saunders?

CHRIS
I’ve known Jeff for 10 years. We were roommates in college.

OPM AGENT
How did you first meet?

CHRIS
We met at freshman orientation.

OPM AGENT
Would you say you were – fast friends?

CHRIS
I guess. We hit it off.

OPM AGENT
It’s nice to become fast friends with someone.

CHRIS
I guess so.

OPM AGENT
How often do you see Mr. Saunders now?

CHRIS
Around once a week.

OPM AGENT
Oh, I’m sorry he doesn’t make more time for you.

CHRIS
Well, it’s fine. We’re both busy.

OPM AGENT
I’d make time for you.

CHRIS
What?

OPM AGENT
How would you characterize Mr. Saunders?

CHRIS
He’s a good guy. He’s someone you can really count on.

OPM AGENT
Hmm. You’re nice.

CHRIS
What?

OPM AGENT
That’s nice. Mr. Saunders sounds like a nice guy.

CHRIS
Yea.

OPM AGENT
Do you get the sense Mr. Saunders lives within his means, financially?

CHRIS
Um, yeah.

OPM AGENT
Do you know if he has any debts?

CHRIS
He has some student loans, but that’s all.

OPM AGENT
Oh student loans. Don’t you wish you had a friend who didn’t go on and on about his loans?

CHRIS
He doesn’t talk about them that much.

OPM AGENT
I like to talk about sports. Sports, and the ladies, and Netflix documentaries.

CHRIS
I like Netflix documentaries.

OPM AGENT
(Chuckles.) Chris, let’s focus on Mr. Saunders right now.

CHRIS
Um, okay.

OPM AGENT
Does Mr. Saunders have any relatives or friends that are foreign nationals?

CHRIS
Not that I know of.

OPM AGENT
He’s probably hiding them from you.

CHRIS
Why would he do that?

OPM AGENT
Probably worried you would steal all his friends.

CHRIS
(Bashful) Not me.

OPM AGENT
What, a charming guy like you?

CHRIS
I don’t have a lot of friends.

OPM AGENT
Jeff’s probably holding you back.

CHRIS
What no, Jeff’s a great guy.

OPM AGENT
Would you trust him with matters of National Security?

CHRIS
Absolutely.

OPM AGENT
Would you trust him with matters of the heart?

CHRIS
What is that supposed to mean?

OPM AGENT
Is he someone you can trust?

CHRIS
Absolutely. Jeff’s a good guy. I’d trust him with anything.

OPM AGENT
Okay very good. Can you tell me more about the kind of people he spends time with. For example, what do you know about his best friend, Steve Richardson?

CHRIS
Steve isn’t his best friend. I’m his best friend. Steve’s his co-worker.

OPM AGENT
Mr. Saunders listed Steve as his closest friend.

CHRIS
There has probably been some sort of mistake.

OPM AGENT
Mr. Saunders listed him as the primary contact on his form and confirmed their friendship status during my initial interview with him.

CHRIS
(aghast)

OPM AGENT
They see each other at least twice a week.

CHRIS
(looks away in dismay)

OPM AGENT
Steve is Jeff’s emergency contact.

CHRIS
Steve is Jeff’s emergency contact?!

OPM AGENT
Yes.

CHRIS
Well maybe he can call Steve the next time he hits a pedestrian.

OPM AGENT
You mean like a light tap?

CHRIS
He didn’t even pay for my dry cleaning.

OPM AGENT
Is that related?

CHRIS
And maybe Steve can ghost-write his next Lord of the Rings Fan Fiction.

OPM AGENT
Why would you agree to ghost-write? You should sign your name to that.

CHRIS
Ugh. That’s the last time I buy Sudafed for that ingrate. STEVE IS HIS BEST FRIEND?

OPM AGENT
Hm. You don’t need Mr. Saunders anymore. How about we get a beer and watch some Netflix documentaries?

THE END

Published in Sketches

One Comment

  1. Jennie

    Jennie

    This was amazing.

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