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I Should Definitely Have an Intern

As someone who has found internships to be character-shaping experiences, I feel I am fully qualified to mold a young mind into a vigorous worker who is dedicated to the corporate bottom line.

In addition to sharing worldly insights on a daily basis, I would provide a list of tasks for my intern to complete every week. I would be helpful as much as possible with tactful reminders, of course. For example, I would definitely own this mug:

I would also regale my intern with stories of how I came to be as successful as I am today. “One day, intern, you too could be responding to customer support calls. You just have to work really hard. And that hard work starts today, because yesterday, you certainly did not work hard enough. I saw you take a bathroom break.”

Perhaps I would even have my intern write posts for me. “Intern! You were totally awkward today,” I would begin, and then, after a pregnant pause, I would say, “Nice work. Write 300 words about how terrifically awkward you were. Do you know how to draw stick figures? No. Of course not. I was born with that gift. Just give me the 300 words describing your absurd, socially deviant behavior. That will do.”

Published in Thoughtful Reflection


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