Blog, we are in troubling times. There is a worldwide recession, the Middle East is a wreck, and my boyfriend doesn’t check you. Ever. But don’t worry blog, there’s hope. The market was inching up today, the Middle East might get better, and Leonardo DiCaprio has declared he’s looking to settle down, so Leo, if you’re reading this, you have a chance with this gal here!
I jest. Leo, even if you’re reading this, I’m not interested. (But really, if you are reading this, I am absolutely interested. You were great in The Departed. And Growing Pains, starring Alan Thicke. Show me that smile again, Leo!)
In all seriousness blog, yesterday I realized that my boyfriend _not_ reading this blog was entirely my fault. I haven’t been marketing it to him adequately. Thus, I am launching an ad campaign, blog. I should have done so earlier. In today’s consumer society, I need much more than sass, feisty rhetoric, and guilt to keep ’em coming back for more. I need to brand; I need to market; I need to really sell how important it is that he reads this blog.
It will be a three pronged attack. First, I will use advertisements. See here. These ads will appear online to him.
Second, I will appeal to emotion through literary references. Here’s what I’ll say, “Do you remember that book you read, the History of Love? Do you remember that part where the young character writes his first story? Then he runs to the girl he loves and asks her to read it. And then, then he says that he waits. He waits for the only person whose opinion matters to read it to tell him what she thinks.” I’ll pause thoughtfully and then ask, “Now do you see why I want you to read my blog?”
He’ll respond, “Yes, I remember that part. Oh my gosh. I’m sorry. I didn’t know it meant so much to you. I didn’t know my opinion matters so much to you.” Then he will gaze at me, just as thoughtfully as I am gazing at him, and he will say, “Maybe, maybe you should be a little more self confident.”
I’ll feign outrage. “THAT IS SO INSENSITIVE!”
He will roll his eyes.
I will roll my eyes.
We will laugh. I will move on to prong three.
Prong three is a group effort. I’ll have mutual friends bring it up in conversation. “Hey man, I hear you’re not reading the blog, is everything okay?” “Hey man, what’s this about not reading the blog? What’s up with that?” “Dude, did you see those awesome ads? How could you not read the blog?”
The questions will eventually degenerate from being just being annoying to becoming downright intellectually offensive. “Hey man, I heard you don’t know how to read. Is that true?” “Are you having trouble using the internet? Do you not know how bookmarks work?” When it gets to this point, I am confident he will read you, blog. I WILL HAVE MY WAY!
Bye for now blog! (Bye Leo;)