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Category archive for: Quotable Quotes

How Do I Get Him to Notice Me?

David is out of town. He never checks in when he’s out of town. I have access to his Amazon Prime account. I want to order a bunch of random stuff (rope, rubbing alcohol, industrial cleaner, a machete, trash bags) so he starts paying attention to me.

He’ll call and say, “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!”

Here’s how I envision the conversation.

(phone ring)
Me: Hi David!


Me: Missing you! What are you doing?

Him: No. Those purchases. Why did you make those purchases on my Amazon account.

Me: Hmm? Oh those! I can explain.

Him: Go ahead.

Me: I absolutely needed next day shipping, and you have Amazon prime.

Him: Why did you buy a machete?

Me: I’m just doing my usual thing when you’re out of town. Anyway! What are you up to? How is it going!?

Him: It’s going okay.

Me: I think it would be best if you told people you were in town hanging out with me this weekend. Gotta go! Love you! Can’t wait till you get back!

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I’m a little concerned about the overwhelming sense of accomplishment I feel when I finish watching a Netflix series.

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A Little Something About Me

Do I wake up early every morning to take a 7am spin class? No, absolutely not. I’ve never done that. Do I set my alarm every evening because I plan to? Yes. Because if there’s one word to accurately describe me, it’s ambitious.

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