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Category archive for: Quotable Quotes

What if it’s bad news?

I haven’t gotten a call yet, and I was expecting one 24 minutes ago. WHAT IF IT’S BAD NEWS?!

No. I need to stay positive.

BUT WHAT IF IT’S BAD NEWS?

No, no, there are laboratories, and people, and phone calls before mine that could take longer.

BUT WHAT IF THEY ARE DELAYING THE INEVITABLE?!

They call in order that the results come in, and they are busy. That room was full of other people, and that’s just one of many offices in the area that needs to process information. So multiply the number of people you saw by 10.

BUT WHAT IF THE SAMPLE WAS LOST?

They don’t lose samples, do they? Wait, is that a thing that happens?

SURE, HUMANS ARE FALLIBLE. MACHINES ARE FALLIBLE, BECAUSE THEY ARE MADE BY HUMANS.

I could just call if I don’t hear back eventually.

YES DO THAT.

And eat a small chocolate while I wait. And have some warm water. With a lemon.

OKAY.

And lentil soup. Lentil soup is good for you.

FINE. WHATEVER.

I love lentil soup.

TAKE THE PHONE WITH YOU.

I’m just going over here.

WHAT IF YOU DON’T HEAR THE PHONE RING?!

I’ll take the phone.

GOOD.

I finished the lentil soup. It was delicious. I squeezed some of that lemon I cut for the warm water into the soup.

OKAY.

It made the lentil soup even tastier, if you can believe it.

OF COURSE I CAN BELIEVE IT. IT’S NOT THE FIRST TIME YOU HAVE DONE THIS.

Yeah but it just delights me every time.

WHERE DID YOU PUT THE PHONE?

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How Do I Get Him to Notice Me?

David is out of town. He never checks in when he’s out of town. I have access to his Amazon Prime account. I want to order a bunch of random stuff (rope, rubbing alcohol, industrial cleaner, a machete, trash bags) so he starts paying attention to me.

He’ll call and say, “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!”

Here’s how I envision the conversation.

(phone ring)
Me: Hi David!

Him: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Me: Missing you! What are you doing?

Him: No. Those purchases. Why did you make those purchases on my Amazon account.

Me: Hmm? Oh those! I can explain.

Him: Go ahead.

Me: I absolutely needed next day shipping, and you have Amazon prime.

Him: Why did you buy a machete?

Me: I’m just doing my usual thing when you’re out of town. Anyway! What are you up to? How is it going!?

Him: It’s going okay.

Me: I think it would be best if you told people you were in town hanging out with me this weekend. Gotta go! Love you! Can’t wait till you get back!

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Accomplishment

I’m a little concerned about the overwhelming sense of accomplishment I feel when I finish watching a Netflix series.

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A Little Something About Me

Do I wake up early every morning to take a 7am spin class? No, absolutely not. I’ve never done that. Do I set my alarm every evening because I plan to? Yes. Because if there’s one word to accurately describe me, it’s ambitious.

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