Author: Editor in Chief

This past weekend I saw Zombieland, starring Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, Emma Stone, and Abigail Breslin. Throughout the movie, Jesse Eisenberg, aka Columbus, shares his rules for how to avoid being killed by zombies.

After seeing the movie, I knew what I had to do.

Buy tall leather boots.

While my companions viewed the movie as a delightful romantic-horror-comedy, I saw the movie for what it really was: instructional. I took detailed mental notes in every scene, filing away information Columbus didn’t think worthy of highlighting, but I knew would be valuable in the (God-forbid) event of a zombie takeover.

The most important implicit take-away I had from the movie was that if you’re a woman, you need to have awesome tall boots to adequately shoot and kick zombies. Wichita was wearing tall leather boots and skinny jeans, and clearly, it is imperative that I too have such boots and jeans to adequately ward off zombies.

Boots are not easy – you have to find boots that are fashionable, but also weather resistant and capable of supporting your ankles should you need to sprint and jump hurdles to avoid zombies.

There’s one more thing that makes boot shopping tricky – salespeople. I was shocked during my Saturday shopping excursion to find the salespeople ill-equipped to answer the most obvious of questions regarding the boots.

Me: Yes, I see there is a two inch heel on this shoe, which is great for making my thighs appear slim, but will these heels withstand the impact of leaping off of the top of say…a two story building? Nothing excessive – just two stories. It would be preferable if upon landing I was able to continue running. Could I keep running in these boots?

Salesperson: (stare)

Me: Okay, well how about a one story building? And, forget the running, just an injury free landing would be great.

Salesperson: I can check to see if the boots come with a warranty.

Me: That would be great. Thank you.

Anyway, now I have awesome tall boots.

Next on my list is awesome skinny jeans. Stay tuned.

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Big news this week. Connor got dumped.

As a seasoned dumpee, I feel it’s my duty to make him feel better about the whole thing. And I will. Through this entry. You’re welcome, Connor.

First, let’s do a re-cap for anyone who doesn’t know the details. Connor, please correct if I’m wrong.

Who: Connor
What: Got dumped.
Where: Over Facebook IM. (Can you believe it?! I didn’t even know people actually used Facebook’s IM capabilities, let alone for such gripping conversation.)
When: Tuesday night
Why: Well, I can’t be sure, but I can speculate through a top ten list.

TOP TEN REASONS CONNOR PROBABLY GOT DUMPED

10. Connor drowns his sorrows in the devil’s liquid. That’s right, Connor drinks too much coffee.

9. Connor is inept with technology. He doesn’t understand how email works.

8. Connor leaves long voicemail messages, eating up precious cellular minutes. Most of the time, the message is incoherent and lacks a call-to-action.

7. Connor is an exceptional knitter. This can be bothersome to women who do not want to wear the scarves he knits for them.

6. Connor hates Lifehouse and Coldplay, which suggests he lacks two ears and a heart.

5. Connor recently started watching the CBS reality show, Big Brother. (snicker)

4. She’s just not that into him. (Add your story to the widget Connor!)

3. Sometimes Connor takes his affinity for robots too far, harassing real robots who have to make a living. Here is video taken from a trip to France, in which Connor tries to prove he is a better robot.

2. Connor is constantly telling David to “get out while he still can.”

And the number one reason Connor probably got dumped…

1. Overall lack of fashion sense.

So Connor, enough speculation, now it’s time for some advice. Right now, you’re asking yourself, “Will the pain ever stop?”

The answer is a clear, resounding, “No.” She was probably the one. You can never do better, and you never will. Your future is fated to eating ice cream and watching Big Brother’s compelling plot unfold. Maybe you’ll pretend you’re in the house too, talking to fellow cast members about how they aren’t doing their dishes as promptly as you had hoped. Who knows?

There are a few things you can do. You can continue to update your blog, as it is your one redeeming quality. Or Connor, you can embrace the church. Finally, you can compose music, inspired by your pain and driven by your loneliness. It worked for Alanis Morisette and Avril Lavigne, so it should work for you too.

There are few things I can do too. In addition to this thoughtful entry, I will send you a mix CD, comprised entirely of James Blunt’s “Goodbye My Lover” on repeat 18 times. The CD will be titled, “Don’t Jump, Connor.” It will soothe your heart – the pieces that remain anyway – and console your mind.

Stay strong, friend.

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Yesterday I resolved to buy a mouse for my Macbook. I went to the student bookstore, in search of a good student discount. When I got there, I saw that a Mac mouse would cost $49.99.

“Outrageous!” I thought to myself. “I can pay for almost 250 messages, outside of a text plan, with that kind of money. Or, I could cover texting for the next 10 months at a rate of $5/month.”

Then I thought, “Well, I’m going to have the mouse for more than 10 months.”

But then, I became an indignant consumer. “A Mac mouse only has one button. Why am I paying $50 for ONE button? It’s like paying $50 to rest my hand on a random block that has gliding capabilities.”

As I stood there, making faces at the Mac mouse box, a salesperson approached – no, wait, more like an angel descended upon me, granting me salvation I may not have deserved. She spoke. “You know, those mice work with a Mac too” pointing to another row of mice.

I looked up. Could this be true? “You mean, these cheaper ones will work on my Macbook?”

“Yep,” she replied.

“Well, how come all the Mac users I see use Mac mice?” I asked. She shrugged. Lemmings!

This tale has a happy ending, dear blog. I bought a wireless mouse for only $29.99! And, it can work on the Mac and on the Lenovo. Isn’t that great news! Blog, I knew you’d like this story. You’re welcome.

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When we last left, our heroine (yours truly) was downloading Windows updates.

Conquering the monstrous file sizes, she moved on to install eight additional drivers for the machine. That’s right. Eight. Additional. Drivers.

One obstacle remained: the correct audio driver. After installing four different ones, her sound still wasn’t working. Exhausted, emotionally drained, and mentally distraught, “This is bullsh*t.” she declared.

Then, she looked up. Her fist shot in the air, shaking. “You may have won this time, Lenovo.” She paused. Dramatically. Very dramatically. In fact, the pause was so long, a casual observer would have felt she was done speaking. But, the casual observer would have been INCORRECT! She continued, “I will have my way!”

Well, that was Thursday night, and the sound still wasn’t working Friday morning, and I didn’t really have time to look at it. “Uh…but you had time to start writing a post?” you ask. My response: “Who made you the Time Management Police? Look. I don’t need this kind of criticism from you. I get enough of it from my conscience.”

Where were we? Oh yes. My audio driver not working is a big problem. Some people can get by without music or a soundtrack running in the background, but did you see my stop-motion? (plug!) Obviously, I have awesome taste in music. In fact, I recently made a compilation.

The making of a great compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do. It takes ages longer than it might seem. You gotta kick it off with a killer to grab attention. Then you gotta take it up a notch. But you don’t want to blow your wad. So then you gotta cool it off a notch. There are a lot of rules (High Fidelity 2000).

I did it. I kicked it off with a killer: “Daylight,” by Matt and Kim. Then, I took it up a notch, a la “New In Town,” by Littles Boots. Then, I cooled it with “Sugar, Sugar,” by The Archies – an oldie but goodie. Then, I ended with a bang: “Embers,” by Just Jack.

(inspired)…it’s time to get the sound working.

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