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Date archive for: November 2009

I Presume He Was Hitting on Me

Recent conversation at a NY bar:

Fred: So what do you do?

Me: Well in our company we create engaging videos – they help with market segmentation.

Fred: So you’re in marketing. Interesting, I wouldn’t peg you for the marketing type.

Me: Yes! It’s definitely in marketing. What? Why wouldn’t I seem like a marketing person?

Fred: Well, I know a lot of marketing girls. They’re all good looking. In fact the last girl I dated was in marketing. And you just do not seem like you would be a marketing type of person.

Me: Oh! Well, what typically makes up a marketing person?

Fred: Well first off, they’re all pretty.

Me: (blink)

Fred: And friendly.

Me: (smiling, to demonstrate my friendliness.)

Fred: And it’s clear they put a lot of effort into what they are wearing and how they look.

Me: Okay, that’s enough.

Fred: So yeah, you just don’t seem like one at all.

Me: Yes, thank you for clarifying.

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Would I Call Myself a Hero? Yes.

Today at Panera’s I had the most delicious cafe mocha. After taking my first sip, I stared at the cup in disbelief. I had also ordered a chocolate croissant to complement the mocha, and had I known how delicious the mocha was going to be, I would not have ordered the croissant. I digress. Let us continue with the story.

So, there I was – really impressed with the froth on my mocha and the perfect amount of chocolate syrup. I began to neglect the croissant, only taking one bite every five minutes.

Then, a stranger approached. He mumbled something about whether I was done with my croissant. I nodded, and he started to take my plate with the croissant away.

For some reason, I thought, “He is taking my croissant because he is hungry. He is going to eat my croissant, and I should let him eat it, because I’m not particularly interested in it.”

A second later, because I am sharp as a tack, it dawned on me that he was a bus-boy, and he was taking my half croissant to throw it away. I leaped out of my chair, reached for the croissant, and said, “No no no no no! I’m not done eating that,” and rescued the bland and inferior-to-the-mocha croissant from a fate worse than being eaten by me.

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100th Post – A Look Back in Time

Now that I’ve qualified my intellectual merit (re: beret, scarf, glasses, and beard) it’s time I evaluated some art.

This is a compelling piece I did in sixth or seventh grade. I’m not sure what the assignment was, but I know I received an A on it, because that’s how I rolled.

oldWork2

When I uncovered it in the basement alongside other posters I had made for school, I was immediately impressed with the high caliber of my work. I choose this poster to present to you because it is also particularly telling.

Let’s begin with this phrase I cut out, “You can never be too thin, or too powerful.” How insightful of 11-year-old me! It’s clear that even at a young age, I had a clear grasp of reality. In fact, to this day, I have remained anorexic. The only thing I hunger after is power. For example, this site, imawkward, will bring me one step closer to being hugely influential. Right now I have three readers, and one day, I will have five. Then seven, and before I know it, I will have 30 readers – my time will come.

Hmm, there is also a picture of a frazzled older fellow. This must be what I felt like on the inside, when I was 11.

Now let’s see – there are a lot of red cars. One is cross-eyed and grinning. This must be symbolic of my proclivity to look adversity, presented in the form of car troubles, in the face and smile stupidly. On the left it writes, “Grab the spot light at the stop light,” which stresses the importance of being a law-abiding citizen. Bravo, young me. Bravo.

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Life Changing Decision

I’ve been thinking about donning a beret.

artiste

A beret would let people know that I am an artiste.

Without a beret, I am nothing.

A beret is not enough. I also need…a scarf.

artistescarf

And glasses – thick-rimmed ones, that assist me with reading intellectual texts.

artistescarfglasses

And most importantly, I must have a beard to stroke.

artistescarfglassesbeard

Perfect.

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mmHmm

Mike

This is Mike.

He is tall, Sara’s husband, and David’s best friend.
I’ve also met Mike’s mom.
Mike’s mom is tall, Sara’s mother-in-law, and David’s best friend’s mother.

Me: David did you read my blog today?

David: …no….

Me: Did you read it yesterday?

David: …no…Did you write a really good post?

Me: No, but Mike reads my blog almost every day.

David: MIKE IS ALWAYS MAKING ME LOOK BAD!

Me: mmHmm

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Atonement

I’ve really done it this time – totally crossed the line.

awkmugshot

That’s right. I have managed to rack up roughly $1.80 in overdue book fees. I’m disappointed in myself for it. I could have easily avoided this by being more responsible and staying on top of the book due dates. But did I do that? NO. I thoughtlessly went about my days with a complete disregard for the library books I had checked out over three weeks ago.

Tomorrow, I’m going to go to the library and apologize. I will also pay the fees.

Here is how the conversation will go.

Me: Librarian, who is your leader?

Librarian: How can I help you?

Me: Are you the one in charge of this branch?

Librarian: Well no, but is something wrong?

Me: YES.

Librarian: Okay, well how can I help you.

Me: Well, a little over three weeks ago, I checked out this book. Then, I read it. [look around nervously] After reading it, I put it on the ground, and did not look at it again- for two weeks.

Librarian: [gasps] Someone else might have wanted to read that book.

Me: I KNOW! Don’t you think I knew that? Don’t you think I thought about that every day? And every night, that thought didn’t haunt my darkest hours?

Librarian: You’ll have to pay a fine.

Me: A PIDDLING FINE! Hardly enough to atone for my crime! [crying] WHAT HAVE I DONE?!

Librarian: Shhh. Miss, please lower your voice, this is a library.

Me: Did you just shh me?

Librarian: It is a library…

Me: [indignant] I don’t need to take this kind of behavior from you. I have a Kindle!

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Dealbreakers

Friday night we saw Paranormal Activity with Mike, Sara, and Drew. If you haven’t seen it and plan to, read no further.

In Paranormal Activity, there is a non-engaged couple that has been together for three years. The female in the relationship, Katie, hears things in the night. We learn that she has been followed by a demon since childhood. Her boyfriend, Micah, decides to take matters into his own hands by filming their home at night to capture the demon in action. Psychological terror ensues.

After the movie, we all walked out of the theater, and David went into the restroom. While we waited for him, I decided to share my feelings on the movie: “If my significant other had a demon, I would probably break up with him, immediately.”

I thought everyone else would nod in agreement, but instead, no one responded. Mike actually glared at me, as if to say, “I cannot believe my best friend is dating someone as insensitive as you.”

I stared at them, as if to say, “Clearly, none of you were paying attention during that movie.”

Demons wreak havoc on your sleep schedule, cause fires, damage picture frames, and may result in death. Other side effects include screaming and fearful quivering. I think these things are all definitely grounds for a breakup.

Other things that would equally justify immediate breakup include poor personal hygiene and a broken Tivo.

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I'll Sew You (pun!)

On Halloween, we met a couple that made their own costume. As we stared at a picture of a previous year’s costume they had created, a dynamic duo of dinosaurs, I wistfully asked David, “Do you think we could make a costume like that next year?”

He laughed, “NO,” and then walked away.

Then in the car ride home, he started talking about the other couple. “I can’t really imagine you in that way,” he casually began. “You know, sewing costumes and cooking for me.”

“Perhaps that’s because you lack imagination,” I replied, quickly. So quickly. Only someone with my superior intellect and breadth of personality could reply as quickly as I did to his scathing comment. Actually Mike, confession, this is one of those occasions where I mislead the reader into thinking I’m sharp and sassy in real life.

Here’s what really happened: I looked at him, wide-eyed and angry: “Wait, is that why you thought we couldn’t make dinosaur costumes? Because you can’t picture me sewing?”

He laughed, “Did I actually say we couldn’t do dinosaurs? Oh yeah! Yup – that’s why.”

My eyes narrowed. Them was fightin’ words.

I am going to sew an elaborate Halloween costume – an edible one, no less.

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