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Category archive for: Social Life

Lookin' Cute Never Seemed so Hard

Sh*t really hit the fan this morning. I got dressed, looked in the mirror, and yelled out in shocked anger. The exact sound coming from my room was: “AH! Yuck! Oh no!!!”To my absolute dismay, I realized that my boyfriend looks better than I do in a t-shirt that we both happen to own. Well, we don’t “both happen to own” it. We bought the t-shirts at the same time at a concert a couple weeks ago.

Anyway last Tuesday, I asked, “What are you wearing Monday?”

He said, “I was thinking about wearing this,” pointing to the t-shirt that we both own.

“Oh, but you’re wearing it today. I wanted to wear it on Monday,” I replied.

“Okay, you can wear it Monday,” he responded. I am very good at negotiation.

This morning I excitedly threw on the shirt, and then threw a fit. The shirt was not flattering at all to my phsyique or my complexion. I thought about calling the whole thing off. “I’ll just tell him he can wear the shirt today. I’ll pretend like I had a change of heart. He’ll think I’m the best girlfriend ever, letting him wear what he wants, when I allow it.”

But then I thought, “No. Surely he will soon realize there was more to my change of heart. He will know.”

There was only one thing to do – ACCESSORIZE! I promptly threw on a necklace and a headband. I also added some intellectual glasses. I thought about braiding my hair and then decided against it. Pig tails are risky and should only be used in times that require extreme cuteness. Then I thought, “You are being absolutely ridiculous. This IS one of those times. If this isn’t an ECR (Extreme Cuteness Required) moment, I don’t know what is.” I braided my hair, more fiercely than ever before in my life.

So there I was, heavily accessorized, in braids, still not looking fabulous, and rather looking borderline absurd, in the t-shirt we both happen to own. But if it weren’t for me, we wouldn’t both “happen” to own it! It _certainly_ wasn’t luck that made it so we both owned it. I rued the moment I told him, “I want that t-shirt too.” I sighed heavily, staring at the mirror. I remembered that moment like it was a couple weeks ago.

After realizing it was getting late, I threw on a jacket and then headed to work. Now here I am, sitting in my cubicle, looking not-as-good-as-he-does in the t-shirt we both, you know, happen to own.

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Yogurt Fiasco

At work on Wednesday someone – other than me – ate my yogurt.  I sauntered over to the office refrigerator, opened the door, and noticed that my fruit bowl was not sitting on top of my yogurt. I didn’t panic right away.

First, I reviewed the contents of the rest of the fridge, thinking maybe my yogurt had been moved to some other shelf. 

However, my search soon ended in vain, and I realized that the unthinkable had occurred.  My nonfat, blueberry yogurt was sitting comfortably in someone else’s tummy!  I knew what I had to do. I took a casual stroll around the office to review the contents of everyone’s trash bin.  I soon found the culprit – the empty yogurt container was in the first bin I passed to get back to my cubicle.  Torn between confrontation and passive resistance, I sat down at my cubicle to think about how to approach such a, dare I say, awkward, situation. I imagined many scenarios.   Confrontation Scenario 1:

Me: Hello! I notice you have eaten my organic, nonfat, blueberry yogurt.
Him: Yeah, what of it?
Me: Uh, nothing, I just wanted to let you know I’m very observant. 

This scenario was awful. I promptly imagined another.  Confrontation Scenario 2:
Me: Hey, uh, I’m sorry. There seems to have been some confusion.  I probably should have labeled my yogurt, but I’ve been eating it every day for the past two years, so I thought every one here knew that was my yogurt.
Him: Wow.
Me: Yeah, so, it’s no biggie, but I’d appreciate you not eating it again.
Him: There’s other yogurt in the fridge.
Me: I can’t just eat other people’s yogurt. What is wrong with you?  

 This scenario was an improvement, but then I thought about emailing the entire office.  Confrontation Scenario 3:  

Dear Office,  Every day my mom packs me a lunch of fruit and organic, nonfat blueberry yogurt.  She puts a lot of time into picking out a fresh container of yogurt for me, and it is very important that I eat it.  It is delicious, it ensures timely bowel movement, and it provides me with my much needed doses of calcium and vitamin D.  (Insert picture of the yogurt.) So you see, when you eat my yogurt, you’re not just eating my food. You’re killing me slowly.  

This scenario was a tad extreme. I decided against it.   On Thursday, I ate my yogurt first thing in the morning, so no one could eat it before me.  Then, when a co-worker casually asked me what I was having for lunch, I said loudly, “I eat yogurt for lunch everyday!”  The co-worker stared. I continued, “Yup! Blueberry yogurt!”
The co-worker looked around: “Okay. Uh do you eat anything else?” 

I replied, still articulating loudly, “Sure sure, but the nonfat, organic, blueberry yogurt happens EVERY DAY.”

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The Story of the Belt

I have just returned from Starbucks, a friendly little cafe that serves fine expresso and other such caffeinated beverages. I ordered a venti mocha, skim, with whipped cream. Venti is the equivalent for large. They use non-standard words for their drink sizes. It’s really quite charming. For example, tall means small. They picked tall because it rhymes with small, I presume. Isn’t that clever?! Everyone should be so lucky as to have a Starbucks nearby, but alas, that is probably not the case. It’s unfortunate that not every town is as privileged as mine to have such a delightful mom and pop coffee shop.

On my Starbucks cup there is a quotation from Joe Cristina: “Worldwide, nearly 40 million people are living with HIV and AIDS. Over 12 million children have been orphaned due to AIDS. Six hundred thousand children are infected with HIV each year. And 25 years into the AIDS pandemic, no vaccine or cure is in sight. The numbers speak for themselves.” It is a very depressing quotation. Next time, I will order a tall (small) so that they cannot fit such a long, sombering quotation on my cup. Or I’ll just say, “Give me the cup that doesn’t have an AIDS quote, please. I’m having a rough enough day as is. Do you have any cup that talks about flower patches?”

In addition to purchasing coffee, I have been on the lookout for sweater vests. Remember? I talked about this earlier. I have not been able to find any. I did, however, purchase a belt. I saw a mannequin wearing the belt, and I thought, “That belt looks good on the mannequin, and it would look even better on me.” It’s quite an interesting story, the story of my belt. Let me tell it.

I was at The Gap, a friendly boutique-esque shop that sells clothes that are appropriate for both work and casual events. They have clothes for men and women. I was reviewing the mannequins and spotted an ensemble that struck my fancy. It was a pair of wide-legged, pin-striped pants, a brown belt, and a blue, loose fitting sweater. I immediately headed over to the rack with the pin-striped pants and picked out two sizes to try on in the dressing room. Unfortunately, neither of these sizes fit well, so I asked the friendly staff to bring me a smaller size. This is where the plot thickens. The friendly staff member returned, but with the wrong pants! I said, “No. I’m afraid there has been a terrible mistake. These pants which you have brought me are not the same as the ones I saw on the mannequin.” She set off again in search of the pants, and returned, luckily this time with the correct pair and size. I tried them on, and they fit. So I decided to buy them.

However, something was missing. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, so I returned to the mannequin, only to immediately realize that the belt was just the accessory I needed to make these pants a truly wonderful addition to my warddrobe. Off I went, in search of the belt on the mannequin. I found all the belts, but could only find my particular mannequin belt in a size large. Again, I turned to a friendly staff member for some assistance. I pointed to the belt, “I would like this belt.” They nodded. “But I can only find it in a large on the rack,” I explained. Then I took it a step further, “Surely this actual belt on the mannequin is not a size large.” I said it in a very suggestive tone. I might as well have taken the belt off of the mannequin myself.
To my dismay my suggestive tone was not suggestive enough. The staff member was quick to reply, “I’ll go check in the back.” For two minutes, I stood there, really concerned I was not going to get this belt that would surely look absolutely fabulous on me. I thought about what I would do without the belt. I wondered if I could ever be truly happy wearing the pin-stripe pants without the belt. I suspected I couldn’t.

Luckily, he was able to retrieve an appropriate size from the back, and I bought the belt.

And there you have it.

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Sweater vest?

Hello blog!

Usually, I wouldn’t write in you after making such huge promises of site progress, and then not even making a tiny effort to follow through.  Rather, I would ignore you for months and then return with even grander promises. That’s just how I roll.

Today is an exception, however, because our system is sort of down and I am unable to do work for which I am paid. So I turn to you, in my time of boredom.

So…it’s Thursday…and the weather is really nice…and…uh….I’m going to have some fruit for lunch…and have you heard that song “Naive” by The Kooks? It’s pretty catchy. You probably haven’t heard it – it’s Indie. It’s big in the UK though.

More importantly, I’ve been very seriously considering changing my warddrobe. My go-to ensembles include fitted hooded sweatshirts, jeans, and button down shirts.

I am now thinking about embracing vests, specifically, sweater vests. It would be a rather bold transition to make, and I may not be able to make it. Stay tuned, dear blog, for a fashion adventure may be right around the corner.

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Bermuda triangle, girl scout, or alpine skiing?

As usual, I have very important news.

Last night was supposed to be a very relaxed night. But then, my friend called me up and said, “Want to go to a bikini competition?”

“Yes.” I responded, without hesitating. As a pervert, such competitions are often very enjoyable for me to watch. That’s a joke, of course. I’m not a pervert.  I’m just a lonely man, looking for love in all the wrong places.

Anyway, I have always wondered what it was like to go to MTV’s Spring Break or participate in some other form of youth revelry. So now, in my older age, I am quick to jump on any opportunity that will give me a glimpse of the fun I could have had.

Anyway, we got there, had some drinks, and the competition started. The one thing I remember distinctly about competition is the young announcer who asked the competitors questions. He was awful. He just kept asking the exact same questions. One of his questions just required that the girl pick one word from three he supplied. 

Here are three of the five interviews I watched:

DJ: Do you have a boyfriend?

Girl: Yes

Audience: Booo!

DJ: Oh no! Do you have a girlfriend?

Girl: Uh…no. I have a boyfriend.

Audience: Booo!

DJ: Choose one of three: bermuda triangle, girl scout, or alpine skiing.

Girl: *blank look*

DJ: (speaking slower) Bermuda triange…Girl scout….or allllpine skiing.

Girl: Uh, I don’t know, girl scout

Audience: Booo!

DJ: Looks like the audience didn’t like that!

Girl: *Smiles and waves*

DJ: What are you going to spend the money on if you win?

Girl: I can’t tell you that.


DJ: Do you have a boyfriend?

Girl: No!

Audience: Yaaay!

DJ: Oh no! Do you have a girlfriend?

Girl: Maaaybe..

Audience: Yaaay!

DJ: Choose one of three: bermuda triangle, girl scout, or alpine skiing.

Girl: *blank (and completely justified) WTF look*

DJ: (speaking slower) Bermuda triange…Girl scout….or alpine skiing.

Girl: Uh, I don’t know, girl scout

Audience: Booo!

DJ: Looks like the audience didn’t like that!

Girl: *looks confused*

DJ: What are you going to spend the money on if you win?

Girl: Vegas baby!


My favorite, however, was the following Q&A:

DJ: Do you have a boyfriend?

Girl: No, I have a son.

Audience: Yaay!

DJ: Oh no! Do you have a girlfriend?

Girl: No.

Audience: Yaaay!

DJ: Choose one of three: bermuda triangle, girl scout, or alpine skiing.

Girl: Girl scout

Audience: Booo!

DJ: Looks like the audience didn’t like that!

DJ: What are you going to spend the money on if you win?

Girl: My son.

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I have some good news and some bad news.  

The good news is that the conversation aid part is up!  More good news is that I will try to end each entry with a thought provoking reflection about the real world, as I promised in the first entry for this blog.  

The bad news is that I am strangely addicted to high school television dramas. I watch them and think, “Oh, so this is what the popular kids were going through all that time.  No wonder they could never finish their homework.”  

For those of you worried about how my cold is doing, rest assured that I am nursing myself back to good health.  I have been drinking plenty of fluids, and getting some rest.  I have also limited how much I speak so as to avoid straining my throat.   

Having a cold has, uh, taught me a lot about personal growth.  It’s important to overcome the obstacles that get in your way and not to let them overcome you.  

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I'm Shocked You've Never Heard of Me

Some very important events have transpired that I must share with you.

First off, I have a cold. Now usually, I would be really irritated to have a cold, but I’m using some super soft Kleenex that is making my nose-blowing experience rather pleasant. Sometimes, I hold the Kleenex up to my nose just to feel it against my skin.

In other news, we have a family reunion coming up. It is very important that I exude success and have something to brag about. As this site is my first project, it is imperative that it becomes a hit so that when my aunt asks, “What do you do?”

I can proudly say, “I’m the prodigy behind Surely you’ve heard of it. AWKWARD. A-W-K-W-A-R-D. No? You haven’t? I assure you, it’s big.”

“Oh, is that like that company google, where your cousin works?” she will respond.

“Exactly,” I will nod. I might even take it a step further, “I’m surprised you’ve heard of google and not imawkward.”

She will stare.

I will continue, “You know, it’s kind of refreshing to be around people who have no idea how big I am.”

At this point my mom will probably find me and drag me away before I further embarass my immediate family.

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Looking Ahead

Last night I saw Demetri Martin on the Daily Show. He was totally delightful! I innocently thought, “I should marry him.”But then I got ahead of myself, thinking, “Well, he would have to get a haircut before he meets my parents…and what if he’s not funny in real life? What if he’s so dedicated to creating humorous presentations that he’s actually serious at all other times? Surely I would be disappointed if we were dating and he was constantly ‘shushing’ me because he needed to focus on his work. And our kids might turn out ugly. That would be tragic. There is nothing sadder than an ugly child. Would they be able to embrace humor as a defense mechanism as I have? Or would they be miserable because their parents were always making jokes? Oh Demetri!”Okay, I just did a google search for him and found his personal page. I learned that I was spelling his name wrong – so I have gone through this entry and done a find and replace from Dmitri to Demetri. Also, after reviewing his site, I’m having trouble deciding whether he’s extremely brilliant or a complete idiot. Let’s hope, for the sake of our progeny, it’s the former.

In more important news, this site is making some impressive strides towards completion. There is now an apparel section. I have also solicited my internet friends for awkward moment stories. I asked my laser tag team if they had any good awkward moment stories, but they all said, “Noooo, not really.” Clearly, they are liars.

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