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I Am Cool Now Posts

XOXO Hairbands

Have you seen the summer stop-motion? I wasn’t going to post for a while, because I wanted to make sure you saw it.

Did you?

I’ll wait in case you want to watch it again. Go on! All you have to do is scroll down a little.

Okay, now let’s talk about something very important. Fashion. I fancy myself a bit of a fashionista – I know a lot about fashion. In my current office, I’m usually the best dressed person. The other guy wears sweats a lot.

Anyway, on this past Monday’s episode of Gossip Girl, Dan, now apparently an authority on being cool, took Blair’s yellow hairband and said, “Hairbands are for high-schoolers.” He then threw her hairband down the stairs. I gasped.

(Image courtesy of Gossip Girl Insider)no-headbands-in-college

I immediately knew what I had to do. With the stealth of a fox, I looked around the room and smoothly slipped off the hairband I was wearing and chucked it into my bag.

Then, I loudly snickered, “It’s about time Blair stopped wearing headbands,” for good measure.

…okay…

Confession. That’s not really how it all went down. Instead, as I watched Dan fling Blair’s headband into the stairwell, I gulped.

I was swallowing sadness.

I love hairbands, and I have five, and now I have to think twice before I wear them because apparently they’re for high schoolers.

Gossip Girl giveth and Gossip Girl taketh away.

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Summer Abroad

Remember how I was abroad a few months ago? And remember how I love stop-motion? Well I made a stop-motion commemorating the summer trip! Now, mine isn’t very good, and the words are blurry because I went about creating the text scroll in a rudimentary way, but it still took me forever to make. I realize it’s small, but the file was so big it was the only way I could negotiate maintaining image quality. No more excuses, now you must enjoy!


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I Found Him

I was at the US Open…
IMG_6473

And amidst the crowd…
waldo1

I spotted him.
waldo

Get it? It’s Waldo! I’ve been searching for him since I was a kid – the elusive Waldo. Well, my work here is done. * wipes hands *

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Money Doesn't Grow on Trees

So, today I am going to talk about text messaging. I hate text messaging because every text costs me something like $0.15 to send OR receive. So, needless to say, when I am about to text, I craft my messages carefully, trying to maximize the amount of information I can get in one text to convey my message and elicit a response. For example, David just landed, so he sent me a text that reads, “Landed!”

This is good. It is informative and necessary. $0.15 well spent.

So, I text back. I could just text back a smiley, but that would only tell him I have received his text, and I am happy he is alive. That’s not worth $0.15. Instead, I text back with a question. A question demonstrates I have received his text and plan to celebrate his continued living. That’s worth something. Here’s my question: “Great! What do you want to do tonight?”

*Beep beep beep* He responds! Good! I know he has received my text. Let’s see what I have paid $0.15 to receive: “Hmmm….What do you want to do night?”

Uh oh. This is a frivolous response, and there’s a typo. I will not justify it with a reply. It’s totally unacceptable.

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This Stuff's Made in NYC

Pssst. Are you watching the Nadal v. Monfils tennis match right now? I am! I love Monfils. He’s such fun. We have a lot in common, including large, well-defined muscles, the foot-speed of a gazelle, and the gift of flight. Just kidding, I can’t fly.

It’s a great match though. They each have one set right now.

In other news, I’m such a New Yorker. For example, I ride the subway, sometimes going Uptown, sometimes going Downtown, depending on where I plan on going. Sometimes I walk instead of taking the subway, because I can. I have real style too. For example, the other day I wore a dress, with a t-shirt on top, and a leather belt. The piece de resistance of the ensemble? A pair of Reef flip flops. Impeccable. It was original, classy, and casual, all at once.

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Sun is Shinin'

Yesterday I saw the world through a whole new lens.

Literally.

I bought sunglasses! At the beginning of the day, I was prepared to pay top dollar (maybe a little less, preferably sale price) for some nice, slick sunglasses. “I’m going to go to the Sunglass Hut!” I thought to myself. “Maybe, maybe I’ll get Chanel sunglasses. Does Chanel make sunglasses? If not, I’ll get Dior. Maybe Burberry? Who knows. Who knows what designer brand will shield my eyes from the brutal sun?”

Before embarking on my quest for the perfect sunglasses, I did research on face types and their matching glasses. If you have a pointy chin, you want glasses that do not call attention to your chin. Your glasses must NOT be wider than your cheekbones. If you have long hair, you must try the sunglasses on with your hair down AND your hair up. I took vigorous notes as I scoured the internet for such guidance. I was committed to purchasing impeccable sunglasses. Like Moses freed the Jews from Egypt, I was to free my eyes from the sun’s glare. It was my destiny.

So there I was, ready to go to Sunglass Hut, ready to change the way I looked at things. Then, I realized something. I cannot afford designer sunglasses.

I struggled internally.

Bad me: Designer sunglasses are the only ones that have true UVA/UVB protection.

Good me: That’s not true.

Bad me: Designer sunglasses will make men want you, and women want to be you.

Good me: That is true.

Bad me: And designer sunglasses will bring you the happiness you’ve yet to find anywhere else.

Good me: Wait what?

Bad me: Up until now, our life has been an empty, demoralizing struggle for attention, recognition,
quite frankly, even the slightest acknowledgment of existence, and designer sunglasses are the key to changing all of that.

Good me: I think you’re taking this too far.

Bad me: Of course you do. That’s why you will be lost forever in obscurity.

Good me: You shouldn’t waste money on designer sunglasses. You’ve done the research, you can figure out what good glasses will look like. You cannot afford the glasses!

Bad me: Steal them!

Good me: No! I will not!

Bad me: So be it. BORED. You bore me. * yawn *

Well, Good me prevailed, and I got some excellent sunglasses from CVS! For $17.99 I feel good about my new sunglasses. They’re hip, they flatter all the right features, and I remain the law-abiding citizen my parents raised me to be.

Score one for the good guys.

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I've Come So Far

Today I found myself conversing with a 13 year old. “How old are you?” she asked.
“I’m…old.” I sighed.
“How old,” she thoughtfully demanded.
After I revealed my age, she responded, “You don’t look like you’re over 18.”
I was rather pleased.

Then she asked her next question: “Can you drive?”

“Well yeah.” Her eyes lit up with such delight I felt compelled to let her know that I can drive and I have a car.

“My car’s over there,” I said nonchalantly, pointing to my car in the parking lot. I knew actually seeing the vehicle would impress her even more. The car would do all the talking.

“The Benz?!” she responded, wide-eyed, clearly astonished with the black convertible Mercedes Benz, glistening under the bright sun. It was sunny out, so the top was down, showing off its sleek, leather interior.

“No no, the Toyota right next to it. A beacon of stability.” I boasted. “Plus, I can go up to like 60 mph in that thing, which is 5 over standard speed limits. If you could drive, you would know that’s really fast…. It’s illegal to even go that fast. So I wouldn’t. But the point is, I could.”

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Lightning Bolt

The casting call did not go as planned.  No one assumed I was an actress.  Total disappointment. Well, it wasn’t a total disappointment of course. It was fun to watch a few of the auditions.  Some people have real talent! Some not so much.

In other news, I met someone who had not heard of The Onion.  It was a pretty interesting experience. I should tell you what happened in detail.

First, he sent an email with a link to a youtube clip of Usain Bolt’s impressive run.  Subj: Motivating.  He is a fast runner, so I can understand why he found the video motivating.

Personally, running baffles me.  My favorite passage on running is from Ian McEwan’s short story “Homemade.”  The speaker shares his thoughts on watching people run in a track meet:

I found especially interesting those who came after the first fifty or so, running harder than any of the other contestants and competing demoniacally among themselves for the hundred and thirteenth place in the field.  I watched them stumble up the tunnel of flags, clawing at their throats, retching, flailing their arms and falling to the grass, convinced that I had before me here a vision of human futility.  (19)

Anyway, after Usain Bolt’s amazing run, which I can appreciate for its ability to challenge human boundaries, The Onion wrote an article about a lazy Nike ad executive who would pitch a bunch of ideas for an ad campaign themed around Bolt’s speed.  I thought the article was funny and relevant, so I responded to the original email with a link to the piece.

The next day we had an awkward conversation about it.

Him: You sent me an article about how Nike is going to do an advertising campaign around how fast Usain Bolt is.

Me: Yes.

Him: I didn’t understand why you sent that.

Me: Um, I uh, thought it was really funny.  Because, it’s a very obvious thing for them to do, you know, build an ad campaign about how fast he is.

Him: The article said they would show him being really fast.  He is really fast, isn’t he?

Me: Yes, it was about how a lazy ad executive did not prepare and was just talking about ways to demonstrate how fast he is, through metaphors and parallel imagery, like him racing against other fast things, like a cheetah, or train, or high-speed internet.

Him: (nod)

Me: The Onion is a satire paper.

Him: Oh I didn’t know that.

Me: Right, um, so it didn’t really happen.  It was just being funny.  (pause) I…I thought it was funny.

Him: Okay.

So basically here’s what he thought was happening:

Him: Look at how fast Usain Bolt was able to run. It’s truly inspiring how hard work can help you accomplish great things.

Me: Nike is planning to do a campaign around Bolt’s recent run.  They have lots of ideas.  Their theme will be how fast he is.

Him: Way to go Captain Obvious.

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Welcome Comic!

Two posts in one night! To what do you owe this pleasure, blog?

Welllll, this post is about a merger taking place.  As you know, the comic and the blog have been competing for quite some time now.  My readers, i.e., yours truly, would have to navigate between two completely different web pages to see the comic and read the posts.  Plus, the minimalist look I had aimed for during the comic’s inception may have been a little too minimalist.  Now, to see the comics, click on the Comics category on the right hand side.  The original publication date is listed under each comic.  Unfortunately, as it stands, you must expand each Comic post to see the comic. This extra click is a small price to pay for scenes that will keep you laughing for hours on end, of course.

So, blog, please extend a warm welcome to the Awkward Comic (rights reserved).  We’re happy to have you on board.

Clap.

Clap.

Clap.

Clap.

Wild applause!

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