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Hi Blog,
I pretty much just injected myself with sugar. We had our office monthly birthday party, which means ice cream cake and icing, and then I had my daily lunch, which is cake! I had two blueberry tarts, two peach tarts, one hazelnut slice, one cappucino mouse tart, and one chocolate mouse tart. This is a little more excessive than usual, but the sugar just kicked in, and I’m super excited! HI BLOG!!!!!

Well, a lot has happened since I last wrote. I went to Paris, France and got me some culture, and I started school too! So far so good blog! I am the most popular girl in my classes and every one loves me. Just kidding blog, I don’t think I’m the most popular, but I told my mom I was, so she would be proud of me. Just kidding blog. I didn’t tell my mom that – that would be weird. Oh, how I kid!

Blog tonight I have to work late because I have to call our Australia peers, and they are 14 hours ahead of us. Tonight!

I can tell you about Paris. It was absolutely wonderful! We saw all the tourist spots, like Le Tour Eiffel, Champs Elysee, Notre Dame, Les Catacombs, Le Louvre, Musee D’Orsay, Seine, and we ate at L’Entrecote and saw Le Lido! It was really a wonderful trip, and I have only fond memories of Paris! I also have pictures, 500 pictures! Sadly, I couldn’t use my French there because everyone spoke English and responded in English. It was most disheartening. Tant pis!

In other news blog, we have a new employee in our office, and he is around my age, which is fun. The other day we were both in the kitchen at the same time, and he got a phone call, and I heard him pick up and say in a hushed voice, “Hi Mom.” That’s all I know about him so far, but I plan to watch him assimilate our office culture. That’s always fun.

Also, dear blog, probably the greatest news of the day is that I’ve re-discovered a digital treasure trove – Backstreet Boys songs! They were sitting on my hard drive! What a treat.

….

Blog, I started writing the first part of the entry last week and didn’t post it. I have a new dilemma blog, one which I would like to confide in you about.

For class, I must pick something that stands for me. So, a symbol, or a thing, that I would call a personal identifier. Such a task requires deep introspection, dear blog, the likes of which I’m not particularly fond of bcause I like to think of myself as indescribable. Just kidding.

What really bothers me is that the first thing I thought about presenting to the class was my imawkward logo, the big eyes on the main page and in the comic, because really, I think about this site a lot. Except, I don’t feel like getting up in front of the class and saying, “I’m awkward.” This is in large part because I’m no longer the awkward, uncomfortable, slightly cartoonish character I was two years ago when I picked up the url. I’m a grown woman now, blog. I have evolved into a mature, thoughtful individual who knows what she wants out of life and is more comfortable in her own presentation. Confident in my choices and rationale, I’m a person I was once concerned I could never be. For example, today in a meeting one of my product requests was denied. The old me would have had an internal dialogue:

They said “No…” Was it me? Was it something I said? I don’t understand.

I made the request in rhyme. It was brief, simple and not out of hand!

I thought for sure they’d say “Yes! We’ll do it right quick”

But instead they said “No, the request makes me terrifically sick!”

It’s an uphill battle, I don’t know if it can even be won,

And getting rejected like this is not really fun.

How will I acheive my ambitions and goals

If I’m constantly being tossed onto rocky shoals?

The new me was not upset about it. I shrugged and thought, “It’s okay. I’ll try again – some other way.”

I know, I know, Old me’s internal dialogue was pretty awesome in comparison.

Anyway, back to my original dilemma. Now that I don’t think my mascot really stands for me, I’m a tad stuck. Also I don’t really want to get up and be like, “I’m awesome and self-assured, so behold, a personal signifier is this Self-help book with a giant red X drawn on it, because I will never need one of these.”

I need something that is positive, genuine, compact, and definitive. I’ll keep you updated blog!

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From that day on, I wuz runnin' 2

Blog, today I went to the shoe store and bought me some new shoes. Specifically, I bought running shoes. As you know, I am running a 10 mile run soon, and step one for training was to buy running shoes. Step one – check!

In order to ensure that I would be training in the appropriate shoes, I went to a store that has an expert examine a person’s run to see what kind of shoe would be the best fit. The sales person asked me to take off my shoes, and I did. Then he asked me to walk around. I walked around, and he put one knee on the ground and one index finger thoughtfully on his chin to let me know that he was carefully evaluating my stroll. “The inside of your foot rolls” he concluded, when I was done walking. “That means you’ll need more support in the heel area.” I think that’s what he said. I wasn’t really following what he was actually saying because I thought I had an impeccable walk, and to hear that something was rolling incorrectly caught me off guard.

It gets worse, blog.

Then he asked me what size shoe I was. “Seven and a half,” I replied. He looked at me skeptically, so I continued, “Sometimes eight.”

And he said, “Yes, maybe an eight…wide?”

He might as well have slapped me. “What? I mean, I guess my feet are a little wide, but I don’t usually get wide width shoes. These socks I’m wearing don’t do my feet justice, really. As you can see, they’re baggy.”

He went in the back and brought me different wide width shoes, in a size eight and a half. I tried the first pair on, and it was really roomy around the toe area. Then I tried another pair, and learned it cost $135, so I made up an excuse about that one not working for me either. And then I tried on the third pair, and it was okay and cheaper than the other one. I stood there, with the shoes on, and I finally said, “Um, the thing is, I really hate running. After this 10 miler, I never plan to run again. Sorry, no offense to your sport, but could you check that sale rack over there and tell me if there are any shoes that would be good for my foot that are half off or something?”

Unfortunately, there was not a shoe that was on sale that could accommodate my flawed feet. Anyway, blog, I might start running soon!

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There's a Fire Within My Soul

Dear Blog,
 
I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW!!!!
 
I bought the Mama Mia! soundtrack, and it’s so good – SO GOOD!  It makes me want to belt out all of my deepest feelings about lost and future love in song.  I saw the movie, so I also want to take over a small island and run around wearing light-colored, loose-fitting clothing that emphasizes my wonderful tan and joie de vivre,  due in large part to the fact that I live on an island and sing all day. 
 
Blog, you know what’s even more awesome?  The cd comes with lyrics! So, I can sing along correctly. Sometimes I do not. Sometimes I mumble and stumble through lyrics I don’t know, and that is embarrassing. Have you heard of the National Anthem? “Oh say can you seeeee? By the dawn’s early light/night? What so proudly we mmmmmmmmmm, mmmmmm by the twilight’s mmmmmm mmmmmmm.” 

I know I’m not alone in this.  Other people aren’t singing the words either.
 
The best song on the album is Lay All Your Love On Me.  It’s a duet.  “Don’t go wasting your emotion, lay all your love on me!”  It’s so sweet, romantic, and upbeat. 

In other news blog, I got my first pedicure today.  It was thrilling, and now I am hesitant to wear close-toed shoes, lest I deny the world the sight of my refined toenails.  My feet look divine blog, divine.

Goodnight!

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We are getting pretty big

Hello Blog! According to various technology blogs, Apple has manufactured an iPhone sellout in order to make their product seem hip and popular.  As someone who knows people who use iPhones, I was mildly enraged! I was somewhat offended! I sort of could not believe Apple would take its addicted users for granted and toy with their emotions to make their product seem more popular!

After my initial semi-dismay, I thought about how I could follow this technology behemoth’s model.  Everyone loves Apple, and soon, everyone will love imawkard.com.  But clearly, we have a ways to go.  How could we here at imawkward.com manufacture an overburdening popularity?  The answer soon dawned on me. We could post up one of those “we have exceeded bandwith” pages.  And so, I am going to add a link to the home page.  The link is going to be called, “Amazingly Awkward.” The content will be so popular that it will consistently exceed bandwidth *wink*.

 

In other news dear blog, I’m yet again on travels.  This time I’m in Minneapolis, Minnesota, where I hope to see the Mall of America and purchase something, like an article of clothing, or shoes, or a day planner.  

Oh! Also I have some great news, we’ve created a new site, here at imawkward.com. We’ve compiled all sorts of amazingly awkward material.  Be sure to take a look and tell your friends! Click here.

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Is this a post?

Hiyo!

Blog, I’m back, but not for long. I’ve been away on work travels recently, and who knows when I will be shipped out again. Sure, I know, but who else knows? My boss probably knows. That was a silly question to throw out there, wasn’t it? Yes. Yes it was.

Blog, I’ve taken to a new form of engaging in discussion. I now ask questions, and then, then what do I do? I answer them. Is this form of rhetoric effective? Absolutely not. It is annoying, and would even I like talking to someone who spoke in questions? Probably not. But I’m doing it nonetheless, blog. Why? Because it’s time to stir things up. It’s time for change.

What else have I been up to? Well, I’ve been to the movies! I’ve also purchased some music! I own the new Coldplay album and the new Fratellis album. Do either of them live up to their predeccesors? No. I will keep listening to them, however, and may eventually grow to love the two albums.

I’ve also been reading I Love You, Beth Cooper, which is a book about an awkward series of events that unfold after a high school valedictorian professes his love for the head cheerleader during his speech. He also tells off all sorts of other class characters. The book is entertaining. Do I identify with the nerdy protagonist? No! Ha! I was cool in high school, duh.

Whoops, I told you I’ve been to the movies two paragraphs ago, but I didn’t elaborate on the movies! Wasn’t that thoughtless of me? Yes, yes it was. I’ve seen Get Smart (great!) and The Incredible Hulk (okay.). I want to see Wanted, and I’ve just checked out rottentomatoes.com to see what the critics have to say. I kind of hate that site because the critics make me feel dumb. Take, for example, this review of Wanted by Sean McBride:

If you’re one of those summer movie fanatics, the kind of person who values non-stop action and cutting-edge special effects to the exclusion of character and story, then the new movie “Wanted” is certainly the film you want to see

Let’s do an instant replay of how I read this:

Review: If you’re one of those summer movie fanatics…

Me: I LOVE SUMMER MOVIES! ME! Sean is talking to me!

Review: …the kind of person who values non-stop action

Me: ACTION!

Review: and cutting-edge special effects

Me: WHO DOESN’T!? SOUNDS LIKE AN AWESOME MOVIE!

Review: to the exclusion of character and story

Me: What?

Review: …then the new movie “Wanted” is certainly the film you want to see

Me: Huh? So you’re saying…it’s …not…good?

I find this kind of rhetoric confusing and condescending. How would people feel if that’s how I answered questions?

Question: How is the weather?

Me: If you’re the kind of person who enjoys warm air and suffocating humidity, this weather is for you.

Question: How was the meal?

Me: If you’re kind of person who likes spicy food, a dash of originality, fresh ingrediants, and high prices, this restaurant would suit you well.

I realize the answers are informative and thorough, but there are ways to inform your audience without defining them. For example:

Question: How was the movie?

Me: The movie had a lot of action scenes, but the plot and characters were poorly defined. I did not like it, because I like plot and character development. That’s just the kind of person I am. Maybe your needs are not as complex as mine. Maybe you lack my depth of appreciation for cinema productions. Maybe you didn’t major in media studies, like I did, with a minor in art history. You probably lack my sophistication and refined movie taste.

Hmm. Is it possible that answering questions is not as easy as I first thought? Yes it is possible! Go forth, sassy rottentomatoes critics. Proceed with your passive ways.

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From that day on, I wuz runnin'

Great news blog. I now have, in my possession, a giant whiteboard. This whiteboard will be paramount to my ability to brainstorm on a whiteboard. Before, I didn’t have a whiteboard, so there was no whiteboard brainstorming. In fact, all of my brainstorming was on a piece of paper, or in my head, or not happening at all. Things will change dramatically now. Brainstorming, as I know it, will never be the same. I have grand plans to find a whiteboard marker and a whiteboard eraser as well.

In other great news, the comic is making great progress. It’s not funny, but it’s there, and that in itself is remarkable progress.

 

Well blog, it has been a while since I wrote, so I suppose I should update you on the great happenings in my life. The weather has been finicky, with the temperature undulating heavily for the past few weeks. April’s showers continued into May, and while the rain has been great for the grass, it has made reveling in spring growth difficult because I avoid going outside. Additionally, the lack of warm weather has curtailed my shopping for fun summer attire, and that affects you, blog, because shopping adventures form the bulk of my blog content.

I’m also training for a 10 mile run. By “training” I mean I signed up to run 10 miles, and have been thinking about running. I have to buy running shoes first, however. Then, after buying the shoes, I have to make a schedule that dictates how much I must run. I must also amass a bunch of quotations about setting goals and perseverance.

For example:

“Running is a big question mark that’s there each and every day. It asks you, ‘Are you going to be a wimp or are you going to be strong today?'”
– Peter Maher, Irish-Canadian Olympian and sub-2:12 marathoner

 

“Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must outrun the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning in Africa, a lion wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the slowest gazelle, or it will starve. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a lion or gazelle – when the sun comes up, you’d better be running.”
– Anonymous

 

“Top results are reached only through pain. But eventually you like this pain. You’ll find the more difficulties you have on the way, the more you will enjoy your success.”
– Juha “the Curel” Vaatainen

 

 

“Sam’s daughter ran three marathon’s last year.”
-My Dad

You see, blog, training for a 10 miler is complicated. It is comprised of complex relationships that intricately work together.

 

After making the schedule and organizing my quotations, I must dedicate half an hour each day to finding excuses to avoid running and going off schedule. These excuses will primarily be inspired by injuries, a dream about getting an injury, or hearing a story about someone who died while running.

The amount of guilt I feel for not running will be inversely proportional to the severity of my concocted excuse.

Power of Excuses

The powerful-ness of the quotations will be directly proportional to the amount of guilt I feel for not running.

Quotations and Not Running Guilt

 

 

 

And lastly, I must factor in peer pressure. Two friends will be running the same 10 miler, and I’ve already told a handful of people I am training for a 10 miler. Luckily, the amount of guilt I feel for not running is not related to peer pressure in any way, or, x=0. See, one of the two friends is my boyfriend, and the running discussion is easy to have with him, because he has the attention span of a dalmation.

Him: Have you been training for the run?

Me: No.

Him: I’m hungry. What do you want to eat?

Him: We should eat before we watch the movie.

Him: The movie starts at 9, so we should go now. Let’s go now!

Him: But first, watch me play this song on Guitar Hero. Wait, no, we should go.

Him: Just one song.

 

The other friend is a female friend who absolutely loves running and has signed up for all sorts of other runs. So, we can safely assume she’s nutty.

 

The handful of people I’ve told probably don’t remember. So, check!

Guilt from Friends

Blog, there’s more. I have more to share with you.


Last night I saw Baby Mama, and it was so funny, blog. And guess what! Tina Fey was wearing a dress that I own! And she’s left handed too! See, blog, I had this whole plan when I met Tina to talk about how we’re both left handed, but I didn’t really know where to go from there. NOW, I can talk to her about how we have the same dress, but that she looks better in it than I do, of
course. Then, maybe she would say, “Well, I work out.”

And I would respond, “Oh me too! I’m training for a 10 miler.”

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Haha!

Blog! My new comic is so funny! The characters are so wacky and fun, especially the female! She’s hilarious.  Who knows what these whimsical characters will be up to next?!

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Get Ready for Laughs

Hey there blog! How you doin’? I sincerely hope all is well with you and this entry finds you in good health.

Now that we’ve gotten the small talk out of the way, let’s move on to more important issues, shall we?

I’m quite thrilled to announce that I’ve made considerable progress on this site. Where before you would see a giant “ERROR” message when you navigated to imawkward.com, now you see a delightful cartoon as a spaceholder. These two characters will be the main characters in my upcoming cartoon strip.

The female is based on me. She is the character on the left. Bright-eyed, innocent, and friendly, she will be the source of mild entertainment as she faces encounters of the – you guessed it – awkward kind! The other character originally started out as a male paradigm. But then, I told my boyfriend the other character was him, because he looked bored. I said, “Looky here! This is me, and this is…You!!!” I poked him on the nose endearingly.

His indifference turned to excitement. “Awww! That’s me?!” he gushed.

“Yes!” I gushed back. He was so happy and easy to entertain. We are so good together.

What was I saying? Oh yes, through these characters I will create a personal microcosm that will address issues of great importance like my coming-of-age experiences, my work experiences, my school experiences, and my food choices. Yes, I’ve made this site even more shamelessly self-aggrandizing, but at least I’m using pictures to do it now. This shows creativity dexterity.

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Winning 'Em Over

In an effort to impress my soon to be advisor, I’ve reviewed his resume and looked up works he has published.

I originally planned to really wow him with my knowledge of his knowledge. Here is how I imagined our first meeting would go:

Me: Hi, I’m so excited to be working with you. I’ve read your book!

Advisor: Really?

Me: Absolutely! Let me just say that your ______ on ______ was really inspiring. Never before have I seen ____ approached through such a compelling, ___ist view before. I specifically appreciated the parallel between _____ and _____ you revealed. Although, I do have some follow up questions for you regarding the piece you cited. It’s quite controversial.

Advisor: You know, it’s so refreshing to have a student that is so passionate about my work.

Me: Well it’s hard not to be, and we both know the _________ Award committee agrees with me *wink*.

My plan was perfect, I thought. Impenetrable.

So I set out on my journey to read all of his work, and sure enough, I didn’t understand a word of it! Not a word!

I was all like, “WUT?!” as I perused chapter one of his award winning doctoral thesis.

After looking up a few words, I realized he loathes to resort to basal terms when a labyrinthine alternative exists.   I eloquently concluded, “Well, fu@&!”as I defenestrated plan A.

So now that I’ve realized it’s going to be a lot of effort to figure out what he’s saying so as to appropriately populate my brilliantly self-made Mad Libs round above, I have to find a new plan, and rest assured, dear blog, I already have.  I’m going to apply self tanner.  Sorry blog, by “new plan” I meant, “I’m going to find something more productive to do tonight.”

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Criminal Minds Is Better Than the Rest

Last night I was watching mah stories, and I saw the most enjoyable episode of Criminal Minds, the best crime detective show on television.

Criminal Minds is about a team of behavioral psychologists that track down sociopaths.

So, in _usual_ detective shows, the detectives ask a storekeeper, “Have you seen this man? He was 5’10” and had curly hair.” The storekeeper then says, “No! NEVER SEEN HIM BEFORE!” and then looks away nervously. And the detectives, armed with high problem-solving acumen, know something is up, but they can’t put their finger on it.

“He knows more than he’s letting on – I have a feeling” one detective will say to the other. The other detective, with much lower acumen, will be surprised to hear such a conclusion, and ask, “Really? You really think so? What makes you say that? He just said he has never seen him before.”

And the first detective will say, “Yeah, but something isn’t right.”

And the second detective will shake his head. And then they’ll use forensic evidence and a past criminal record to learn the shopkeeper is the murderer’s father!

Anyway – that’s how a regular crime show goes.

Criminal Minds is not your regular crime show. Since they’re behavioral detectives, they look for different traits. Rather than provide physical descriptions, they’ll give people personality descriptions. So, they’ll ask a storekeeper, “Did you see anyone do something suspicious yesterday here? Buy anything suspicious?”

And the storekeeper will say, “No…no not that I recall…”

And the detectives will then ask, “Did two men come in? One with a stutter perhaps, and another who seemed more confident and in charge – a real presence about him.”

The storekeeper will then say, “WHY YES! As a matter of fact! I remember the stutter -it was the most unfortunate stutter. And the other man in charge was very demanding – a real presence. They bought 28 guns I believe, let me see if I can find the receipt.”

Also, when they’re interviewing people, Criminal Minds detectives are smarter than regular detectives. For example, in last night’s episode, they needed a former victim’s help: “We need your help – you have to tell us what happened so we can find a new killer.”

And the former victim hugged herself, shook nervously, and then said, “NO! Nothing happened! I lied in the report!” and then ran off.

But rather than stand around and discuss whether or not she was telling the truth, one detective said, “Well, she’s lying,” and the other one was basically like, “Obvi. Way to go Einstein.” They don’t really say it in so many words, of course. What the other one really says is, “Yes, her erratic behavior, avoidant eye contact, and body shivers indicate that she was lying.”

Anyway, I appreciate that breakdown. Criminal Minds makes me feel smarter about myself as a television viewer, because it teaches me what to look for when I’m talking to a liar. It helps qualify instincts we all have!

Yeah, I was maybe a little bored today.

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