I Am Cool Now – Page 27 – URLs don't change, but people do.

After Hours

Published October 24, 2011 by Editor in Chief

In my youth, I would listen to Glen Hollis wax poetic about love and then select a choice tune to reflect the staggering loneliness, passion, or regret his caller had just confided to him about. I loved to listen to the program, and because I was a teenager, I judged people for being so woefully tragic. “You miss your husband, who is spending every night working late with his secretary, huh?” I would snicker, and continue, “You may not be wise to what is going on, but I am. I’ve watched enough Lifetime specials to know what is up. And it is not your husband’s work ethic. It’s something else. Something that might make you angry. I mean I don’t know. Maybe he is working hard. Why do I assume the worst? Glen, Glen why don’t I believe in love? Forget this caller! What song will cure my jaded, lonely heart?! Will my next sixteen years be as romantically dull as my first sixteen?! GLEN!?”

Those fun times are behind me, and Glen no longer hosts the after hours radio program. Now, there is Delilah, a female, syndicated version of Glen Hollis. Delilah shares his empathetic tone and affinity for soft rock, but there is something slightly different about her. I couldn’t put my finger on it until tonight, when I heard the following:

Female caller: Hello! I just wanted to call in. I feel so lucky to have a wonderful family, and two wonderful children.
Delilah: Do you feel lucky, or blessed?
Me (I’m always part of the conversation): Pop quiz, hot shot! Lucky or blessed?
Female caller: Um?
Delilah: Do you feel lucky, or blessed to have two wonderful children?
Female caller: Well, at first I could not have children, but now I have two. So that is lucky.
Delilah: If you could not have children before, but now you have them, that is God’s work.
Me: Perhaps with some luck thrown in from the adoption agency.
Female caller: Uh
Me: Obviously you got the answer wrong, dummy. Methinks this call did not go as you expected it would.
Delilah: (cutting her off) I know just the song for you, and I am going to play it, for your blessed good fortune.

And then Steve Winwood’s Higher Love started to play. I’m sure it was a toss up between that and Madonna’s Like a Prayer.

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An Unflattering Portrait

Published October 13, 2011 by Editor in Chief

As you may have heard, U.S. intelligence has uncovered a potential attack on the Saudi ambassador to America. Mansour Arbabsiar stands accused of soliciting a Mexican cartel member for carrying out the assassination on U.S. soil. The most fascinating thing about this story is not the absurdity around the plot, but the language being used to describe Arbabsiar. Normally, when you hear about terror suspects, you hear things like, “He was always really quiet and withdrawn,” or “I didn’t know him that well.” Arbabsiar’s acquaintances and friends have not been so kind. Rather than gracefully allow his actions to go down in history as yet another misguided attempt to change the political landscape, they have used this opportunity to publicly elaborate on all of his flaws, ranging from his sub-par business acumen to his romantic shortcomings. Articles about Arbabsiar read more like an unsatisfactory employee’s annual review more than they do like a profile of a killer.

“Business associates described Arbabsiar’s organizational skills as marginal.”
-NPR

“At his estranged wife’s house outside Austin, neighbors described Arbabsiar as man who could be kind of annoying.”
-NPR

“But he was also renowned for being almost comically absent-minded, perpetually losing keys, cellphones, briefcases, anything that wasn’t tied down. He failed at a succession of ventures from used cars to kebabs.”
-Washington Post

“There is a certain bewilderment in Corpus Christi that anyone as apparently hapless as Arbabsiar could get involved in an international conspiracy.”
-Washington Post

“Many of his old friends and associates in Texas seemed stunned at the news, not merely because he was not a zealot, but because he seemed too incompetent to pull it off.”
-New York Times

I can’t help but laugh as I read all of these articles and quotes about him, because if I were him, I would say, “Thank…you…for…defending me…but that’s enough…” And if I were his parents, I would slap my hand against my forehead and pine for a smarter son.

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Introspection Framed by Current Events

Published October 6, 2011 by Editor in Chief

We are possibly hiring a new employee, if she’ll have us. One of my bosses has given her my phone number and encouraged her to give me a call to learn more about the company and ask me any questions she might have about working in our environment. “Be honest,” I was instructed.
“Okay,” I agreed.

But agreeing to such a task has forced me to brainstorm potential conversations, inspired by recent events. If she called me at this very moment, this is how the conversation would go:

Her: Hi I’m ____, and ___ told me to give you a call, do you have a moment? I wanted to ask you some questions about the company.
Me: Yes hello! I’m so glad you’ve called. And I absolutely do have a moment.
Her: Well thanks!
Me: So, I suspect you are going to ask the question the late Steve Jobs presented during his Stanford graduation speech. “If I knew I was going to die tomorrow, would I want to be spending today doing what I’m doing?”
Her: Uh
Me: Well to be honest, I think that’s a frighteningly personal question, and I’m a little surprised you would ask it.
Her: I did not ask it.
Me: Right. Listen, I think it’s a great question, so don’t worry too much about that.
Her: Uh
Me: And it’s culturally relevant.
Her: Yes.
Me: So, the answer is probably no. I mean, if I knew I was going to die tomorrow, I would freak out and spend my time trying to squeeze in so much that I might explode pre-foretold-disaster.
Her: Okay.
Me: But if I had to select a small handful of activities, no, I’d probably be working on a book. I would love to write a really great story.
Her: Well what is stopping you?
Me: You are full of great questions today.
Her: Fine.
Me: I don’t know.
Her: So…would you recommend joining this company?
Me: Yeah.

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Focus on your ability

Published October 1, 2011 by Editor in Chief

Gossip Girl is back. And so am I.

“Uh, I had no idea the two were related,” you think. That is very astute. Normally there would not be a connection, but Monday’s episode was so inspiring that I knew I would be doing a disservice to the internet community if I stayed silent. Specifically, there are two big revelations that I must blog about.

1) Serena Vanderwoodsen is now a production assistant. To demonstrate the chaos that accompanies such a role, she has adopted the sloppy ponytail. She makes it look chic, so I trust the sloppy ponytail is back in style. This means my sloppy ponytail is also in style. I am thrilled.

2) Foster the People’s “Houdini” is fabulous. It was on the episode, so I bought it. I like to mentally cry, “Sometimes I want to disappear!” with all the angst I’m now too old to justifiably feel, but still do. I’m so full of angst. The song also has a refrain that goes, “Focus on your ability!” Focus on your ability!” So it’s unique because the song has anguish, but it also has an inspirational message that resonates. It’s perfect.

That’s about all that is worth sharing about the season premier of Gossip Girl this past Monday. Everything else that happened on the show made me suspect that I am getting too old to watch the show. *Eyes narrow.*

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Week 8

Published July 4, 2011 by Editor in Chief

It’s no secret that David and I love a good meal. And while we can navigate a restaurant menu with the dexterity of a seasoned pilot, our skills in the kitchen are a different story. Thus, every evening we struggle with the same dilemma:

Me: David I’m home!
David: Hello!
Me: I’m so hungry.
David: No, I am hungry!
Me: I haven’t eaten all day.
David: I ate a banana.
Me: What are we going to eat?
David: ….

And thus our nightly adventures begin. We spend the following hour debating different restaurants and weighing the merits of going to the grocery store. This exercise is actually very useful because during this hour, time passes, as it is wont to do, and restaurants and grocery stores close, thereby eliminating themselves as options.

Long post short: I’ve managed to lose a few pounds.

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Week 3.5

Published May 24, 2011 by Editor in Chief

The most humiliating thing about being married thus far has been operating David’s television equipment. Yesterday I pressed four different power buttons in a futile attempt to turn on the TV and access regular programming. I did not even aspire to the Tivo; I only wanted to watch the program that I believed would be on at my hour of clicking.

Here’s how it went:
First, I stared at the four remote controls. There are more remote controls, but I knew, in my heart, these were the correct four to be dealing with for the task at hand.
After a minute of staring, I pushed down on the Red Power button on one remote. I heard a click, indicating one of the boxes in the entertainment center had turned on, suggesting I was halfway to my desired destination. It was not clear to me which box was turned on, and the screen remained dark, but I remained optimistic. I put that control aside, because I presumed it had accomplished something important.
I carefully picked up another remote control. This one had the Tivo icon on it, so while I respected its value, I also understood that the power button on this remote may turn the Tivo off, rather than accomplish my mission, which was to turn the TV on. So, I set it down for the time being.
The next remote control was twice the size of its predecessor. The power button on this one seemed promising, so I clicked it. Then I waited with great anticipation. I leaned my ear towards the entertainment center. I expectantly moved my head towards all of the boxes, wondering whether there would be a change. Nothing happened.

I knew what I had to do. I picked up the fourth remote. I clicked Power. And…I heard something power off.

I looked around, and then decided to reach out to my man. “David…how do I turn the TV on?”
“What?!” he yelled from the office.
“I do not know how to turn on the TV!” I yelled back.
“Press the Power button!” he replied.
I glared in his direction. And remained silent. He knew what that meant. David came out of the office, picked up the remote that had done nothing at all for me, and pressed the Power button. The TV turned on. He looked at me as if to say, “Obvi.”
I looked at him sheepishly, as if to say, “This is on par with rocket science.”

Then the show I wanted to watch was a repeat, so I clicked all the Power buttons to turn the TV off.

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Week 3

Published May 20, 2011 by Editor in Chief

Week three of being married has been wonderful. I’ve spent 5% of my time gushing over our wedding to David, 50% of my time reviewing pictures of the honeymoon, 20% of my time eating – guiltily, but I’ll stop soon – and the remaining 25% reading about the institution of marriage. For some reason, Kate Middleton and Prince William’s nuptials have sparked a bevy of editorials on marriage advice, marriage fun facts – 80% of couples gain weight within a year of getting married – and finally, colorful commentary on how marriage takes the romance out of relationships. Apparently, with great romantic security comes great romantic stagnation. As one writer suggested in the Bazaar article I read in the hotel, marriages fall apart because that charming, striking fear of the other leaving, that non-married couples truly thrive on, is no longer present.

While a natural worrier, I’m not particularly concerned about the lack of fear being our demise. Rather, other potential conflicts concern me. And David’s responses indicate there is legitimate cause for concern, as here is a transcript of a recent conversation we had on our honeymoon:

Me: David, if Anne Hathaway made advances towards you, and she was married, but you were single, would you accept the advances, even though you knew she was married?

David: Anne Hathaway? And she made advances towards me? Absolutely.

Me: Okay, now what if you were married, but not to me. Would you accept?

David: Yes.

Me: Yes, I do not blame you. Now, what if you were married to me? Would you accept the advances?

David: (pause) No.

Me: I would understand, it’s Anne Hathaway!

David: Whew, yes.

Me: David!

David: You said you wouldn’t blame me!

Me: But the kids, David, they would be so disappointed. They wouldn’t understand. How could you do that to the kids?

David: You didn’t tell me we had kids.

Me: They would be so disappointed, David, I’m sure of it.

So, knowing full well that our marriage is open to temptation, it’s imperative that I maintain the qualities that won David’s affections and inspired him to commit to years of being with me all the time.

Now, David has never explicitly named the qualities, so I will humbly take it upon myself to list them here:

1. My spectacular sense of style – As a master of layers, my sense of style has not escaped David. I know this, because sometimes he will ask, “So…how many hoodies are you wearing right now?” I will often respond, “Three! Well, technically, only two hoodies, and one jacket over that. It’s very hip.” Or he will say, “Didn’t you wear that yesterday?”
“And the day before that as well,” I will explain, “It’s a very stylish outfit. It would be a disservice to society to only wear it once.”

2. My inquisitive nature – Writers take a lot of time crafting their art, and every detail matters. Therefore, when watching television, I insist that David pause our programming so that we can revel in the details of what has just happened. “PAUSE!” I will yell, just as the capitalized quotation suggests, and David knows he must get up from his reclined position, pause the program – because I do not know how to operate the remotes – and he will stare at me as I ask numerous questions that challenge the way we perceive things…or assess whether a character has been gaining weight throughout the season.

3. My resourceful use of communication tools: In today’s day and age, there are many ways to reach our loved ones. We can use email, cell phones, text messages, Facebook messages, Skype, Twitter, blog comments, and home phones. When I want to remind David to do something, I take it upon myself to use many, if not all, of these communication tools. It’s the best way to ensure that he gets the message and remind him that I am and will be a constant presence in his life. While many lament that this newfangled technology has socially destroyed social interaction, I offer that it has brought us even closer together.

It’s very clear to me that these three qualities, combined in one person, make for an unstoppable, lovable force. I will maintain the qualities to ensure our marriage is a huge success!

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Week One

Published May 17, 2011 by Editor in Chief

Week one of being married has been wonderful. I’ve spent 30% of my time gushing over our wedding to David, in my head, and to anyone who will listen, 20% of my time taking pictures of the honeymoon, 30% of my time eating – really letting myself go – and the remaining 20% concerned because I am out of deodorant, and for some reason, deodorant in Spain is very expensive.

Upon realizing that my deodorant barrel was at the bottom, I headed over to a pharmacy. Pharmacies here are available on every block and are easily identified by their flashing neon signs. I entered the store, approached the woman behind the counter and proceeded to simulate rubbing my underarms with deodorant. I sniffed my underarm as well, to make it clear what I sought. She nodded, thought, and went over to her cabinet, behind the counter to find deodorant to present. She returned, showing me a small stick, and wrote 9 euros on a pad of paper for me. With the conversion, that is roughly $14, so I politely shook my head in dismay, thanked her, paid for my other selections, and headed out the door. For $14, David would have to learn to love my natural musk, I decided.

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